Random Drivel from your Average Tosser

...with your host, Binty McShae - whether you like it or not!

Monday, August 07, 2006

Talking absolute crap...

As befitting someone who has been largely avoiding solid foods (excepting a regular intake of peanuts and assorted crappy snack items) in favour of a mainly liquid diet (we're not talking soup or protein-shakes here) I have, perhaps unsurprisingly, developed a rather free-flow evacuation procedure when it comes to my, uh, "waste material". Now, this is something which I always used to dread - the kind of internal motion that would creep up on you unawares, masquerading as a smidgen of trapped wind, and then flood out to surprise you in the most inconvenient of places. But what is nice about this present "irregularity" is that it is, in fact, pretty regular - therefore no getting caught with your trousers down (bad analogy, when I think about it).

In fact, this new high-speed dumping process has also left me with much more time on my hands. We're not just talking the reduction of the effort usually expended in the pushing, the flexing of those anal muscles - no, what is particularly pleasing is the minimised wiping effort. No scrubbing with endless reams until it's just as red as a baboon's because God, in a fit of cruel humour, decided to give me a better beard on those cheeks than on the ones usually reserved for such an honour. Instead one delicate 'swish', like those seen in kitchen roll adverts, and the minor mopping-up is complete.

And the final triumph? The fact that I no longer have to do either the "repeat-flush technique" or the "bent-coat-hanger-down-the-U-bend maneuver", as was so frequently required during my previous level of consistency.

How long this faecal heaven can last, I am unsure, but for now I'm as happy as a pig in sh... oh, wait - another bad analogy...

Cheers m'dears!

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13 Comments:

At Monday, August 07, 2006 9:06:00 pm, Blogger Kim Ayres said...

There are times when you read a post and then really wish you hadn't. It doesn't happen very often, but this is one of the finest examples of what I mean.

The bizarre thing is that if I was to post a link here saying "Do not read this - if you do you'll wish you hadn't" everyone would come and read it to find out why not. Then really wish they hadn't.

 
At Monday, August 07, 2006 9:44:00 pm, Blogger Kieran said...

You are absolutely spot on. I have to say that ranking among some of the most satisfying, happiest moments of my life are those time when a clean dispatch is achieved and no wipage is required. I actually feel proud, as though I've achieved something special.

 
At Monday, August 07, 2006 11:30:00 pm, Blogger Andraste said...

Ahhhh, the old reliable muddy poo post.

Solid poo, loose poo...they each have their advantages and disadvantages. But there's GOT to be a happy medium.

For heaven's sake, Binty, eat some cheese.

 
At Monday, August 07, 2006 11:39:00 pm, Blogger SheBah said...

Jeez, Binty, that is a totally gross post. And there was me thinking you were a sensitive soul in need of a thicker skin!

 
At Tuesday, August 08, 2006 3:19:00 am, Blogger SafeTinspector said...

Gosh, Kim, I guess you can say, "I told you so."

Actually, Binty, solid (or not-so-solid, as the case may be) waste is a subject most men, especially, ponder often.

I firmly believe it occupies the same spot in our brains as shoes do in the average lady's mind.

I've usually got the opposite problem; bricks fit to pave your driveway.

With your waste operating as such, do you not ever get the "rope burn" effect?

 
At Tuesday, August 08, 2006 4:14:00 am, Blogger kari said...

Oh how I love a good poop story! Cheers M'Dear!

 
At Tuesday, August 08, 2006 7:52:00 am, Blogger ill man said...

Yes Kim, I had to look...........Cheers for the warning anyway.

Binty, I can only imagine what the stench is like when you break wind. Or 'gamble and lose' as the case may be. I thought I was in a bad way with my drinking habits. Turns out i'm merely a sunday drinker. Cheers!

 
At Tuesday, August 08, 2006 3:40:00 pm, Anonymous sarah said...

AAAAH!

oh my god.. now, this is probably just my crude humour acting up, but that was quite possibly one of your funniest posts. and i should know! I'VE READ THEM ALL!

i call the repeat flushing technique a "courtesy flush". eh.. ahahhaha! *snort*

i know what you mean by that unsuspecting "D'OH!" feeling, it comes along once a month for me, like clock work. along with that bitchy attitude and bloated cramped body.

i love being a woman.

 
At Wednesday, August 09, 2006 3:39:00 am, Blogger Ms Ann Thrope said...

I'm absolutely delighted for you Binty - there's nothing worse than leaving the loo with a sore arse.

 
At Thursday, August 10, 2006 1:04:00 pm, Blogger Binty McShae said...

Sorry Kim... but I bet when you read it once you went back and re-read it just to make sure you really were disgusted!

Kieran - and the quicker the better. I hate fucking about with all that (ahem) shit...

Andraste - why does it need to be medium to be happy? I'm perfecly happy shitting chocolate shakes...

SheBah - thicker skin, yes. But I'm a lot happier without the thicker faeces.

SafeT - mine were once as you describe yours. But no, rope burn effect has so far passed me by.

Kari - cheers! As I wrote this I was reminded of a post of yours from a while back, actually, where I mentioned "sharting" in the comments...

...which, Ill Man, I do believe you are now referring to in the comments here. Sharting - the act of accidentally shitting whilst farting.

Sarah - If I'd known the simplest way to make you happy was to talk about my shit I'd have posted like this a long time ago...

Ms Ann - thankyou for your delight. My arse has never been peachier!

 
At Thursday, August 10, 2006 8:53:00 pm, Blogger Kim Ayres said...

No I just read it the once, made the comment, then realised the comment would make a good BC strip

 
At Friday, August 11, 2006 11:34:00 am, Blogger Sarah said...

the fact that you want to make me happy is good enough. :o)

 
At Saturday, August 12, 2006 2:39:00 am, Blogger Nikki said...

OH!!! MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!!

 

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