Random Drivel from your Average Tosser

...with your host, Binty McShae - whether you like it or not!

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Cuddly Monsters, Bridal Goats, Rampant Lions and Mischevious Magpies!

Okay, I know I've already posted today, which is doubly unusual when you think how many days I don't post at all, but I have just reread my suicide piece and thought to myself, fuck... how about something a bit more cheery? Something like the revelation that Osama bin Laden likes hugs, or the news that a guy in Sudan was ordered to marry a goat after being caught in flagrante with it... or Scotland kicking arse in the rugby last weekend (hey, I've resisted the temptation to mention it for 3 days!).

Or how about this... I have been nominated for the prestiguous Blog of the Week Award over at Mischief of Magpies! Previous illustrious winners include the likes of Anti-Barney, Dept. of Hate and West Coast Ramblings (all of whom I voted for so I hope they fucking return the favour!). The only downside is that one fellow nominee is Mr Hynes from Bogol, whose site I very much like, as mentioned before. In case he's reading this let me say "Good Luck!"

The rest of you, however, do me a favour - Vote Tosser!

Cheers m'dears!

ps - If you haven't noticed yet there is a button down the right side for the Top 100 Scottish Blogs. I'm constantly floating in the mid-to-late-50's... If you're bored at any time, please do leave a comment there for me!

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Our friend Anti-Barney has just posted a fascinating and thoughtful piece on suicide (it’s also slightly disturbing - one hopes it should not be taken as any kind of sign…) and in my attempt to reply I decided that maybe I should air my thoughts on home turf instead.
In another reply to AB’s post (Update - the replies have been posted at a different entry - click here to see them and scroll right down) Kim Ayres is adamant that suicide is a selfish act, and he’s right. The thing is, however, it is rarely (if ever) done out of a perceived selfishness... the perpetrator surely believes that what he is doing is in everyone's best interests. In truth there are very few truly selfless acts – any charity or supposed self-sacrifice usually has the added side-effect of feeling good about oneself – and, yes, ending your own pain may be a huge factor in taking your own life but for the most part the desire to cease being a burden on other people is the massively motivating factor.
Let’s get it out in the open - I have been there, and seriously, when I was 16. We're not talking 'cry for help' or anything. In fact I took great pains to keep my plans to myself. It was never going to be anything as fallible as pills or a razor, and I wouldn’t have had a clue how to get hold of a shotgun. The high cliffs where I had gone on holiday with my family seemed like the perfect option… and so I planned it all – the best time to go out on my own, when there would be no-one else around; the highest point with no random ledges that might break my fall too soon; even down to wearing the oldest tatty clothes I had so I wouldn’t ruin anything decent that could be passed on…
I have often thought about that strangely surreal night, when there was an almost full moon much larger than I remember seeing before or since. I can still picture it clearly as I walked with purpose to the spot. The plan was simple… keep walking until about a hundred yards away and then start running – and just don’t stop. Except the one thing I hadn’t expected somewhere so remote at such an ungodly hour… someone in the way.
It was that sheer chance meeting that kept me from following through. Instead of instantly running I stopped still for a moment. The stranger called out a hello and walked toward me. And talked… I don’t even remember what about. It was just one of those clear pure voices that kind of lulls you, calms you. For a mere three or four minutes, that’s all, although it seemed longer. And then she said a goodbye and walked off. The opportunity to carry out my plan had arrived but the desire had gone – in fact, the very idea seemed to have left me.
And that was what stopped me from killing myself - not cowardice, but a random stranger who gave to me much more than they will ever know. I saw her again over the last two days of my holiday, just to nod too from a distance, but I still think about her from time to time and wonder if she even had the faintest idea of what my intentions were that night?
It’s taken me years since then to reconcile my actions and the feelings that prompted them. I frequently still feel like a burden to others, I still suffer from the same problems that haunted me back then. I often still come across like a complete twat to people I meet because of a degree of social ineptitude (I’m sure that’s why I love blogging so much… it’s nice to have a safety barrier) but now I find other ways to deal with it. Back then I thought my mother’s life would be far easier if I wasn’t there to fuck things up. Now I know that even though it’s actually true my mother would be so devastated that any good would be more than outweighed.
It’s so easy to see now, but it really wasn’t back then. Selfish or not, those who commit suicide will always be pitied by me, not scorned. Because I have genuinely been there, and at times like that you really, truthfully, cannot see any other way…
Cheers m’dears!

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Monday, February 27, 2006

Dirty Habit...

Bizarre story of the month alert! No, not David Beckhams inability to do his 6 year old's homework (not really that surprising, let's be honest!) but the news that Paris Hilton has been approached to play the lead role in a new biographical film... about Mother Theresa!

Apparently South Indian film director T. Rajeevnath thinks she is perfect for the role and has already had his agents contact her people about playing the Albanian born "Angel of Calcutta". All because he was impressed with Hilton's moral fibre after she reportedly turned down the chance to pose nude for playboy...

...hasn't watched her most popular feature to date, "1 Night In Paris", then?

Cheers m'dears!

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Friday, February 24, 2006

The price of 'success'...

"The Danish are better than us. They just published a cartoon while we Muslims kill each other."

Dismay rings in the words of Abu Rasoul as he stands beside his bomb-damaged mosque in Iraq. After the devastation of a particularly holy Shi'ite shrine in Samarra earlier this week revenge was swiftly meted out when more than 90 Sunni mosques were attacked. The death toll is already in treble figures.

So this is the brave new world that we imagined, is it? A scant few weeks after the 'success' of the elections Iraq seems on the verge of civil war, perhaps unsurprisingly considering the country has been pummeled into shape and manhandled by a Western 'Lord Protectorate' that knows too little about its diverse peoples - and cares about them even less. We didn't have a clue what we were getting into. The good amongst us may have been swayed by the black and white idea that a cruel dictator should be toppled. The less honourable were easily lured by the promise of black gold and lucrative re-building contracts. But regardless of motive the plan was never thought through, never tackled in a way that would provide genuine solutions for Iraq... not long term ones, for certain!

Of course there will be those who point at the Iraqi rock throwers with derision and disgust. "Look at those savages. It's a good job we're over there trying to keep control!". Those people will never see the whole forest whilst they pay so much attention to one tree, never understand the idea of cause and effect... that we are surely a large part to blame for the situation. I know that the Sunni / Shi'ite feuding goes back too far to remember, but we promised stability. We said to the people "Never fear - the West is here!". But how effective have we been? Well, I suppose that since Saddam is gone it's at least not so one-sided anymore...

Amidst the chaos and confusion sage words emerged from a most unusual source... "Violence will only contribute to what the terrorists sought to achieve" said a certain Mr George W. Bush. Wise words indeed... if only they'd come to you a few years earlier.

Cheers m'dears!

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Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Gorilla Warfare!!!

What would my good friend Mr Gorilla Bananas have to say? On the tube to work I was reading the Daily Propoganda when I came across an article about Uena Zoo in Japan, who decided (perfectly reasonably) that they ought to have a drill in preparation for the possibility that a Gorilla might escape. After all, they have drills for earthquakes and tsunamis and the like - why not this other force of nature!?

Except that this drill involved hunting down and netting... a guy in a very bad monkey suit. We're not talking Planet of the Apes style makeup mixed with Andy Serkis method acting here. No, we mean looking like a reject from the wackily costumed team that hands out Sofa King promotional leaflets on a Bank Holiday weekend!

Not only does this strike me as utterly pointless - I'd wager a real gorilla might be a tad trickier to catch! - but it is also downright insulting to our simian bretheren! I demand that all apes now take to the streets in violent protest at this disgusting caricature!!! That'll learn 'em!

Cheers m'dears!

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Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Him again...

In the very first week of my blogging life I wrote this. If you can't be arsed clicking the link then be content to know that it refers to a guy called David Irving (on the left) who at the time had been arrested in Austria for the heinous crime of... Holocaust denial.

The gist of the post was "the man's a fucking ignorant cunt but no-one should be put away for having an opinion". And I stand by that today. After all, that would be simply behaving just like the architects of the atrocities he mentions.

And now, three months later, he has been convicted.

Tell me just one thing. Where the fuck do we get off preaching about freedom of speech when we allow shit like this to happen? How is this man the devil incarnate when publishing a racist cartoon that solidifies the paranoia of the west by painting all Muslims as suicide bombers is viewed as an acceptable expression of Western Freedom?

I don't like his opinions on the Holocaust. He's wrong, no two ways about it. But so is his conviction.

Cheers m'dears!

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Sunday, February 19, 2006

Situation Vacant - The UN-dercurrents

At the end of this year Kofi Annan will step down as United Nations Secretary-General and as such speculation about who his succesor will be is already rife. Traditionally the role is partially determined by a process of "geographical rotation", whereby each continent takes a turn at producing a leader. This should ensure that the UN is not perpetually led by North America and Europe and that it can be a truly global organisation. But whilst this is the tradition it is not written into any constitution and cannot be taken as a given... which is causing a small amount of consternation in my neck of the woods at the moment as it should be Asia's turn, yet signs indicate that there may be opposition to this from the more, ahem, "democratic" and "developed" countries.

Of course, so far 2006 has brought Asia into the Western news cycle for completely negative reasons: the continuing conflict in Iraq and the debacle that is Saddam Hussein's trial; Nuclear weapons for Iran and North Korea; the killing of Christian schoolgirls in Indonesia; Hamas winning the Palestinian election and removing peace talks with Israel from the agenda; riots in several countries over 'those' cartoons... I could probably continue, but you get the point.

Of course, it is not just the press-induced perception of Asia as a backward and violent continent that raises doubts but also the Western Bigshots realisation that an Asian Secretary-General might - shock, horror - look upon his own continent with a bit of kindness and care, rather than spanking them every time they got too raucous.

Okay, let's get a small amount of perspective here. The UN is a global organisation. Asia has 60% of the worlds population. Two Asian nations (China and India) have become truly global powers in recent years. Japan (despite being disliked within Asia) is one of the worlds largest economic powers. And don't forget that Russia, still one of the most influential countries in the world, is not just a European country - it is, in fact, largely in Asia! But in the history of the UN there has only been one Asian S-G, U Thant from Myanmar... 45 years ago.

The position is widely regarded as the most difficult job in the world and frequently places the occupier at loggerheads with national premiers... the most notable case of the new century probably being the Bush / Blair decision to ignore UN rulings regarding Iraq. And as such it seems highly unlikely that the UK or the US, two of the all important five permanent members, will support an Asian S-G. Of the other three both China and Russia are on record as saying they will only support an Asian candidate leaving France as the all-important vote... a country who could easily swing either way, especially after criticism of their recent racially-linked riots.

But wouldn't an Asian UN leader send a positive signal to the world at large? And how about - whisper it - a Muslim UN leader? A positive role-model for the religion, rather than the hate-figures who monopolise the press. Someone who can be taken seriously by all leaders when dealing with the problems currently faced in our modern faith-fractured world. It's a world where the West is scared of fundamentalism and terrorism and the east is pissed off with the US and its allies trying to force feed them their values and way of life... each side fuelling the other in some demented vicious circle. Wouldn't we benefit from a leader who can understand both sides a bit better?

.... hell, there's so much more I am trying to say here, but the words just don't come out right. I'm all for an Asian UN Secretary General, and won't have the slightest problem if he / she is Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, Christian, Atheist... whatever. Just as long as they do a good job - that's all I ask!

Cheers m'dears!

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Saturday, February 18, 2006

The Corpse Bride

A woman has risen from the dead in order to get married. No, not Tim Burton's film, but the unusual case of Maria Antonia Calvo, who had been unable to wed her intended due to having been registered officially dead in 1992. That's 14 years as a zombie. After an 8 year battle with the Civil Registry of Barcelona, however, she has finally been declared alive in court.

How did this happen? It appears that her brother declared her death in order to get his hands on her share of some inheritance that was under dispute. Unsurprisingly she intends to take legal action against said brother, something she had previously been denied as one of the 'undead'.

Now, aside from her bother being a devious git and Maria herself possibly being a bit dopey (it took her 6 years to realise?) you have to ask what the fuck is going on with the Civil Registry of Barcelona. I've only had to register a death once, and it wasn't in Spain so I do not know their procedures, but surely when you register a death you must need to provide some proof? You know, maybe a medical certificate, or at the very least a corpse. You don't expect to just turn up and say "Yeah, my sister's dead" - "Really? So sorry... sign here please". And then when Maria turned up at the court and presented herself to the judge? They still refused to amend their records!

8 years it took.... fucking nuts, I tell you!

Cheers m'dears!


Thursday, February 16, 2006

I eat my own words!

It appears that I may well have jumped the gun a tad.

Today's Daily Propoganda (which has had nothing against a good bit of Aussie-bashing in recent months) has reported that most Australians are not interested in their firing-squad bound compatriots. The Sydney Daily Telegraph ran with a front page article headlined "No Sympathy" which made it clear that whilst they did not support the Death Penalty they did "support the notion of personal responsibility", and PM John Howard has washed his hands saying "there is a limit" and acknowledging Indonesia's right to exercise its own laws.

Whilst this makes a refreshing change after the Nguyen Tuong Van debacle I shall hold back any apology for yesterdays post until I see what happens as the execution date draws closer. After all, unlike Singapore the Indonesian Government has been less consistent in applying the letter of the law and this may be an opportunity that protesters in Australia won't want to miss.

Cheers m'dears!

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Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Deja vu?

So... another day, another Aussie gets sentenced to death for smuggling drugs. Capital punishment - what a deterrent, eh?

Woah... back up, Binty! Been down this road before, methinks! Let's not do another anti-death-penalty rant, everyone is well aware of how you feel.

Okay - let's look at Australians instead then. Now, I have some mates who are fair dinkum and all that, so I don't want to paint an entire country in the colours of a few stupid cunts. But, for fucks sake!

Exhibit A: the rioting against immigrants (hmmm - forgetting ones own lineage, it seems).
Exhibit B: the double-standard of uproar at Nguyens hanging in Singapore whilst ignoring other Capital Punishments the world over.
Exhibit C: both Nguyen and the Bali 9 thinking for even one second that smuggling heroin through or into a country where the death penalty is in force might be a sensible idea.

"I even beg them not to take the terrible risks that these young people have done... How on earth any young Australian can be so stupid as to take the risk is completely beyond me." (John Howard, Aussie PM)..... don't know about you but I always knew that Neighbours and Home and Away rotted your brain!

So what now for the dead-men-walking? I wonder how long it will be before the people who didn't give a shit about them back home (they are, after all, not 'white') start crying foul over the neanderthal laws of a backward country? Indonesia's foreign minister Hasan Wirayuda is steeling himself for such a response by using offence as his defence, shedding an obvious light on the reason that he received no protests from Australia over the death of Bali bomber Amrozi. "...Australians were victims of the Bali bombings. But in the case of drug-trafficking, the victims... were Singaporeans or Indonesians."

So, once again - another potential addition for Exhibit B. Australia, I know you don't give a fuck what one poxy blogger thinks, but do us all a favour - drop the hypocrisy and either accept their punishment or start lobbying everywhere, including the US, to end the death penalty.

Oh...... and bloody well stop smuggling through South East Asia, you dumb cunts!

Cheers m'dears!

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Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Have a Heart.....

Happy Valentines Day, one and all! Yes, the day of love, named in honour of a bloke who had his head cut off for performing marriage ceremonies...

The 227th anniversary of a white colonialist being killed by 'natives' who didn't want him there (Capt. Cooke in Hawaii)...

The 113th anniversary of the US annexing an independent country (Hawaii again)...

The 77th anniversary of bloodshed as gangs fought to control a city (the famous massacre)...

The 48th anniversary of Iraq joining an Arab federation...

The 34th anniversary of the US relaxing trade restrictions against China...

The 28th anniversary of the US government announcing plans to sell billions of dollars worth of arms to Egypt, Saudi Arabia and Israel in an effort to "maintain military balance in the Middle East"...

The 27th anniversary of the US ambassador to Afghanistan being kidnapped (he was later killed)...

The 18th anniversary of a booby-trap killing prominent members of the PLO...

The 17th anniversary of an Islamic fatwa issued against an 'artiste' who had offended the religion (Salman Rusdie)...

The 15th anniversary of a multi-national ban on food imports to stop an epidemic (cholera in South America)...

The 12th anniversary of 27 Islamic fundamentalists being sent to prison (one of Algeria's biggest anti-terrorism trials)...

The 11th anniversary of new fighting in a war that was supposedly over (between Ecuador and Peru - only 90 minutes after a cease-fire)...

The 7th anniversary of the Israelis and Palestinians facing off after another disagreement...

How things have changed over the years............

And what a day of 'love' it is!

Cheers m'dears!


Thursday, February 09, 2006

What? Eh? Say again, Mr Hynes?

Before we move on to todays posting-proper please allow me to append on the last two posts by drawing your attention to "We Are Sorry" . Please note, it is genuine. Thanks to the inapproriately named (in this case) Department of Hate for the link. And now, let's move on...

There is a gentleman who goes by the name of Arlington Hynes (aka Bogol; aka Ha Ha Ha) whose peculiar written dialect gives me such a fingernails-down-the-blackboard feeling that I can barely visit his site but once a week. Which is a shame because it's a very entertaining blog, and it is entirely my own problem if I cannot deal with his style. I recommend anyone unfamiliar with his garbled musings should check them out...

Anyway, my reason for mentioning him is that he has noted that "...the English language will be welcoming its millionth word some time this summer. Break out the party hats!" (quoted from the Language Log). Naturally, given his penchant for 're-inventing' the English language, Arlington is hoping that it's one of his...

I do not wish to cause any offence, dear fellow, but as your words are not, in the truest sense, 'new' I would like to suggest an alternative:-

glark n 1 the onomatopaeic sound of an individuals head being removed by a sharp object. 2 coarse used in a derisory manner to describe anonymous blog posters and / or their comments i.e. glarking ; glark off ; glarked

(if you have no idea what the hell I'm going on about you obviously have never bothered with Blunt Cogs - I suggest you go there and revise!)

Cheers m'dears!

Update! - Unfortunately, since concocting this post, I have discovered that this word is also already spoken for - check it out here.

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Wednesday, February 08, 2006

...even more drawn-out...

Points were raised after yesterdays post that made me feel the need to clarify my position a little.

I believe strongly in freedom of expression, to the extent that I previously wrote condemning the incarceration of a Nazi-sympathiser. I despised his opinions but he had a right to air them. I just feel that the press in the so-called 'free' world should exercise a little more discretion... just because some Arab papers are being bigotted against Judaism (or whoever else) that's not a justification for the same behaviour the other way around. Call it moral-high-ground, turning-the-other-cheek, whatever-the-fuck-you-want. It's simply a case of two wrongs never making a right.

If this was just a case of depicting a religious icon I would be ranting here about protesters being petty. It is, after all, a rule which has been only loosely observed over the centuries - note the ancient Persian paintings of Muhammad, for example. More to the point, I would be stating that their religious laws are for them to keep, not to hold us by. And most Muslims would not only understand that viewpoint but would agree with it. But that is not the scenario. Simply put, the cartoon strongly insinuates that all Muslims are suicide bombers. And this is not simply an untruth, it is deeply offensive. More than that, the cartoon plays a part in embedding the idea that Muslims are dangerous terrorists, full stop.

If this was, like the Nazi guy before, something that had cropped up in a fringe publication with a target audience that probably already holds such views we'd call them cunts and move on. And so would Muslims, in general. But it was a mainstream newspaper... they would never have written an article stating "all Muslims are suicide bombers" any more than they would write saying "the holocaust never happened". They might report that someone else said these things - that's their job. But the cartoon...what do you think the reaction would be to a cartoon strongly suggesting that the holocaust is a myth if it appeared in a mainstream publication?

Acts like this can start a chain of events, as we have seen. I deplore - condemn even - the violent reactions that have occured throughout the world, and I mourn the stupid and casual loss of life. And, yes - blame for those deaths must be aimed at those who went far too far in their response to what was, after all, just a cartoon. But that does not make publishing them any less wrong.

Cheers m'dears!

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Tuesday, February 07, 2006

A drawn-out affair....

The saga of the cartoons.... more than enough has been said about it, but don't think for one second that that's going to stop me. Did you know, for example, that they were actually published last September - and we're only just getting the fall-out now!

I've said before that I'm not a fan of censorship, but lets face it - the Danish Press have behaved in a crass and insensitive manner. I'm not talking about all that 'not showing images of Mohammad or Allah' stuff. Most Muslims would be content just to know that anyone doing that is a sinner and will be punished when the time comes - only a handful of extremists might cry revenge. No, in this case it is not simply the image but the way in which that image is portrayed... I'm sure most of you have, like I, seen the offending articles but for those who haven't - imagine a picture of Mohammad with a bomb planted in his headgear. So, in a sweeping generalisation the Danish press suggests that Mohammad (and by default, all Muslims) are suicide bombers. That is not cutting edge satire, I'm afraid - it's nothing more than ignorance laced with bigotry.

So, this has been on the boil since September... it'll die away soon enough, right? Not if the way things are going is any indication. You see, by offending not just the fanatics but pretty much the entire religion, what could have been a flash-in-the-pan rant has become a full-on nation-spanning mass protest - with moderates just as vocal as hardliners. The backlash has already had reprocussions on Danish exports, and one Swiss company has had to take out an advert in Egyptian papers to let the populace know that they are not, in fact, Danish (there's a nice role reversal - "You whiteys all look the same to us"). And other news organisations around the world have inflamed matters by reprinting the cartoons (although the usually rabid British Press seems to be acting remarkably low-key), most notably the French.

Ah, yes... the French. See that picture at the top? That shows a sign in the aisle of a Carrefour supermarket (a French company) in Egypt. "Dear Clients", it reads. "We express solidarity with the Islamic & Egyptian community". Well, it's either very noble or, more likely, transparently self-preservationist. Except that even that has had a backlash..... back in France! That's right, consumers in France are now apparently boycotting Carrefour in response!

How far is this likely to escalate? God (or an inappropriate image of him) only knows! Whilst boycotts and flag-burning can be made light of on pages like this reports have already come in of linked deaths - and, much like the cartoons themselves, that just ain't funny!

Cheers m'dears!

ps - and I thought Blunt Cogs had potential to offend!!!

Acknowledgement - todays post was spurred on by reading SingaporeInk and its link to this article.

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Monday, February 06, 2006

My weak-end...

.....slavishly he wrote, each vitriolic word bleeding onto the computer screen as his tired, blistered fingers stabbed them out. This would be his crowning glory, his legacy. Never before had he written with such dedication and enthusiasm - passion, even. Not even once in his life had he previously unleashed this demon, allowed the Kraken that slumbered inside to awaken.

Second followed second, minute followed minute, but this mattered not to The Author. Feverishly he willed his fingers to keep pace with the torrent of thoughts cascading from his mind, thoughts regarding the injustices, the crimes, the agonies of the world. One moment crying at the inhumanity propelling his ravings, the next cackling manically as an argument fell into place as neatly as a tetris block. He grinned and gurned insanely at the witticisms that leapt like static electricity from human mind to hard-drive - not mere innuendo or sarcastic put-down but something... alive!

Evening fell, darkness came, and still The Author wrote - nay, wrought his opus, until finally... Peace descended on that battered keyboard. Barely a sound, nothing but the delicate, pained breaths struggling past his lips. Breaths that slowed until shuddering to a stop, cut down by an almost inaudible utterance...

"It is done."

Slowly, but with purpose, The Author's hand reached the comforting bulb of the mouse and stroked it along its mat, carefully aligning the innocent cursor with it's ominous partner, that which bears the name 'Publish Post'. And with one gentle press, an alien feeling to those fingers more used to hammering, it was done indeed.




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Wednesday, February 01, 2006

I'm 'it' apparently....

Little by little it builds, that thing known as 'community'. People drawn from miles around with common interests, desires, needs. Except now we don't need minor details like 'roads' to bring us all together. We don't need some poxy junction with a coaching house to congregate and build dwellings around. No, all we need is to be sad enough to waste hours on end on the fucking internet.

Strange how, just like in real communities, dependency on one-another seems to develop. At stage one, of course, it is obvious - the initial 'I must post comments on everyone elses boards so they'll visit mine' phase, demostrating a neediness and a desire to be if not loved then at least recognised. And the more recognised the better. Those who fail to attract respect or even just a pat on the back often turn themselves into the arsehole type who will act the cunt because people complaining about them is better than people ignoring them.

Now, however, in the little blog-community I am honoured to feel a part of, co-dependency is coming to the fore even more. Not content to pass verdict on each other's sites little internal projects have been thrown up - whether the work of one man weaving the rest of us into an intricate story (see Doc Maroon's recent posts) or the collaborative work of many creating a little world of our own (Blunt Cogs). But admidst all that greatness there is always one rotten apple, one beastly git who will pull everyone else down to the gutter. And that man has shown his true colours during my week away - step forward El Barbudo - you utter cunt!

"But why?" I hear you ask. Because he has managed to infect almost the entire of our fledgling ether-nation with this bloody mother-fucking meme tag thing (hence the weakly-linked picture). "What's that?" I hear you ask. It's a stupid chain-letter type thing where you have to complete meaningless lists and then pass it on to a specific number of people. In El B's case I was one of the hapless victims. And apparently Philip the Curmudgen got me too. "So, are you going to be brainwashed by the cult as well?" I hear you ask. Stop asking so many fucking questions, you bastards, I've got enough with the tag as it is!

But in answer I have to say that I obviously do not possess the willpower and sheer good taste of Fatmammycat, a true hero in my eyes. I have, indeed, succumb....... And so, after much ado (but without any further) here are my submissive submissions:

Seven Movies I Like -

Withnail and I
Whisky Galore!
The Home-Brewers Guide (Limited DVD Edition)
Jilly Gouldens Wine Tour of France (taped off the telly)

Seven Books I Like -

Scotch Whisky: A Liquid History
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Wine
Guinness 1886-1939: From Incorporation to the Second World War
Complete Home Bartender's Guide: 780 Recipes for the Perfect Drink
Dirty Jokes and Beer: Stories of the Unrefined
Oor Wullie annual, 1979

Seven Things I Say -

"The usual, bar-keep chappy!"
"Same again, please"
"I do believe it's your round"
"And a whisky chaser"
"Make it a treble"
"How fucking much!? Jeez, I remember the day when you could get a pint for under a quid!"
"No, offizzer. I haven't dropped a drunk. Well, maybe juz a wee wan tae keep uzz warm, ken?"

Seven Things That Attract Me To The City -

A wider selection of drinking establishments.
And that's it really. I fucking hate cities, in general. Bloody expensive bars full of poncey twats drinking poncey twat alcopop drinks. Fuck 'em, I say, and stick to your country local with a lock in until Tuesday next week.

Seven Things To Do Before I Die -

Discover the secret of immortality
Have a last pint. Or three...
Write one more meaningless blog.
Have a last wee dram. Or twenty...
Come home with change in my pocket... just once.
Drink that scary brown spirit from Eastern Europe that's been lurking at the back of my cupboard for too fucking long.
Go for one final piss....

Seven Things I Can't Do -

Get pregnant.
My own graphics on Blunt Cogs.
Shit whilst standing upright (not deliberately, anyway).
Walk home in the most direct route of an evening.
Climb ladders in my kilt. (Actually, I could, if it wasn't for the restraining order)
A seventh thing for this section.

Seven People To Tag -

I started this list with 'Anonymous posters' and 'the Cheeky Girls', but then I realised it didn't mean 'tag' as in the morgue sense of the word. Shame. Anyway, since everyone I link with has been pretty much taken I am going to tag.....

Juvenile Dementia
Cinnamon Doughnut

ummmm, that's it really. Oh, no - hang on! There's one other fella that's missed out on all the fun while he's been away..... And I am certain that by tagging him I am likely to invoke all manner of bile and vitriol!

Brewski, consider yourself tagged!

That's your lot. Now fuck off, you bunch of lame-o twats!

Cheers m'dears!