Cin-enema

Question: When a cultural form is imported (on both sides willingly) into another culture should the 'adopting' culture adapt itself to the etiquette of said form or should the form and its producers / promoters expect and accept behaviour which they might ordinarily find offensive or distracting?

Anyone who has read back far enough on this blog knows my feelings regarding cinema-heathens. Well, a heated discussion with Indian friends the other night led me to realise that there are cultural issues at play here... They understood the etiquette of not talking on the'phone and turning off the ringtone but the fact that I could get annoyed at people texting in a cinema caused them much mirth.

The way I look at it is simple - cinema is a visual medium. If someone flashed torches or turned on the lights it would be very distracting and piss most people off. When someone uses their 'phone to sms, or even just to look at the time, the light caused by their tiny screen is actually very noticeable in a darkened cinema. To me it would be like trying to listen to a string quartet with some arseholes watch alarm going of intermittently.

But then I forget that - aside from certain screenings of films like Rocky Horror or The Sound of Music - western audiences are very much brought up to silently immerse themselves in films whereas many other cultures, especially in the Bollywood sphere of influence, see films as a release, an arena to "let go" of themselves in. Whereas the social interaction of a film in the west tends to be in dissecting the film in the pub after the credits, in the east the social interaction seems to actually be the film itself.

And so I am brought back to my original question... as someone who can happily watch - nay, embrace - a piece of performance art (be it celluloid or whatever) in the environment and atmosphere it belongs, do I then have a right to expect to be able to watch films from my own cultural background in the manner that I would be able to were I back home? Likewise, should those enjoying their own eastern cultures in the west be made to conform to viewing them in a manner which follows western etiquette?


There is something akin to this in sport... very recently Sinless City hosted a Pro Golf tournament and today the papers were full of the western players who had complained that spectators were using flash-photography as they were taking their swings and that children too young to exercise noise discipline at crucial times had been allowed in. Was that a case of the stuffy colonial sportsmen being *ahem* bad sports? Or should the local populus, in their eagerness to embrace the international competition, have exercised more care in learning the etiquette of being a golf spectator? One local who attended commented that the players shouldn't have come if they didn't want to be photographed, but I think he misses the point here (there were countless photo opportunities that did not have the potential to upset the outcome of the game) and the attitude does smack of cutting off ones own nose to spite the face - what incentive is there for these sportsmen to come back and provide further entertainment or photo opportunities if that's how you feel?

But is this a cultural thing or is it just a selfishness? "I want it, so I will take it, etiquette be damned". That is an aspect of life in Sinless City I see every day, on public transport, in queues at foodstalls, on the street hailing cabs, on the escalators... there are a lot of people here who seem to exist in the 'bubble-of-one' (please note that I am not accusing my Indian friends of this - far from it!). The truth is that in this country there is an underlying sense of individual self-importance and self-righteousness and one way in which this could be seen to manifest itself is in the way people act in the cinema.

The worst examples of this behaviour, the most selfish that I have seen on a mass scale, were at the Night Safari. This is a one-of-a-kind zoo experience where you get to see nocturnal and semi-nocturnal animals in the near-wild, pretty much under natural moon-light with very little artificial lighting used. Everywhere you go there are signs pleading with people not to use flash photography as it can blind (or in extreme cases even kill) the animals concerned. Yet on my three visits to the Night Safari I saw flash after flash as the modern 'big-game hunters' regarded their trophy-photographs of higher value than animal welfare.

Okay, it seems like I am stretching my point a little - cinema irritation to maiming animals in two easy steps - and the Night Safari experience cannot really be equated with my original question. But, despite cultural differences undoubtedly playing a part in so many upsets and misunderstandings in this diverse country, I firmly believe that the root of all these problems is a lack of respect. Let me watch these films how I am meant to watch them. And I will happily watch films from other cultures the way that they are supposed to be watched as well. Let the sportsmen get on with what they are supposed to do without getting unnecessarily parochial about it (I am just imagining a Formula 1 car at next years Sinless City Grand Prix being confronted by a local cyclist going against the traffic flow...). And for fucks sake - let those animals keep their corneas.

Cheers m'dears!

Are ad-men simply basket-cases?

The current advert for televised basketball in Sinless City has the suitably gravelly voice-over solemnly declaring that "Success awaits those who get up one more time than they fall". Sounds good... sounds inspiring... sounds butch... sounds - wait a minute! That's fucking impossible!!

Go on, try it. Fall down a few times, counting them, and also count how many times that you get back up again. I guarrantee it will be the same number. Unless you remain prone on your last fall, which will be the opposite of what the advertisement is trying to say. It is physically impossible to get up twice when you only fell once... and so on.

Stupid cunts.

Cheers m'dears!

Well, I never...!

Football. Funny old fuckin' game, ain't it? There was me at the begining of the tournament saying "it's going to be a toss up between Argentina, Brazil and Germany for the title". And with the frankly uninspiring performances by Brazil early on I became convinced that the quarter-final between Argentina and Germany was the real final. After all, they were the two teams who had been strong and played consistently well - whichever one got managed to beat the other would surely sweep aside the remaining also-rans.

Couldn't have got that more wrong, could I? It just goes to show that on the world football stage there is only one safe bet - and that's England going out in the quarter or semi-finals on penalties.

...an extra bet on them clinging onto a draw whilst reduced to 10 men after a petulant player was sent off and you're laughing...

Cheers m'dears!

A Condemnation...

This is just a quickie to register my disgust at the fucking morons who have been making the headlines recently. There is a rivalry between Scotland and England, and a history of antagonism between the two, and as a Scot I suppose I am biased in these affairs. But nothing - nothing at all - excuses the behaviour of the utter cunt who punched a 7 year old boy for wearing an England top in a Scots park. A fully grown (I use that phrase as an indicator of size, not mentality) man walking up to a wee lad and telling him "This is Scotland, not fucking England" before punching him to the ground? Whoever you are you are a cunt of the highest degree and if I ever found you out I'd be there with a fucking tyre iron in a flash...

Add that to twat number 2 who dragged a man out of his car for wearing an England top and beat the shit out of him. The fact that he was disabled (as the papers keep pointing out) is irrelevant - it simply should not have happened. The victim has been quick to point out that it was an unusual incident and he spent that evening (black-eye and all) in the bar watching England play Sweden with his Scots pals. Apparently they were supporting Sweden, but he himself happily states that this is "just friendly banter"... unlike the guy he'd encountered only hours earlier.

This all comes hot on the heels of Scotland being praised for the way it has (on the whole) welcomed the growing immigrant population who are moving over, especially the Poles. It really fucking distresses me to see a couple of wankers drag the rest of the nation through the mud...

...but hold your horses, Tony Blair. Blaming the Tartan Army is not right. They are an organisation with proper membership and have a sterling reputation the world over. To lump all Scots fans in with these two bastards does a disservice, but especially the Tartan Army when there is no proof that either perpetrator is a member.

And a message to the Sun newspaper... do you really think you help the situation whan you state that it's a good thing that on average the Scots die younger than the English? Typical tabloid press, fanning the fucking flames!

Cheers m'dears!

It's my support and I'll apportion it as I see fit!

Okay, lets get this one thing straight. I can't be arsed with all that "I support anyone who plays against England" crap. I don't see a great amount of point to it, other than to piss off a few wankers that I know. But for fucks sake, no-one has a right to expect me to support England either. I am perfectly happy to just not give a shit.

These are the arguments I am usually given for why I should support England:

1) We're all British.

2) We support Scotland when they play.

3) You live in England. (Okay, I obviously don't get that anymore but I used to.)

4) Scotland don't have a hope of ever winning.

5) If you don't it must mean you're racist.

And here are my replies:

1) Yes, we are. But by that token would you expect Everton fans to support Liverpool? Man City fans to support Man Utd? And as for the Old Firm.....

2) That's great, I am sure it is much appreciated. That is, assuming you really mean "support". I recall two England fans giving me that one during France '98, and to be fair they did cheer Scotland on during the games. But come the fateful last group game where we crashed and burned who were the first in the queue to take the piss and taunt me for my beloved Scotland failing to make it through (again)... I'll give you one guess. That, my friends, is not support. I, on the other hand, do not give a fuck so I neither cheer nor jeer.

3) So, you're telling me that if you were living in Argentina or Germany you would support them in front of England? Thought not.

4) So, what happened to it not being about winning but taking part? Anyway, I am not seriously waiting for a trophy to be lifted (not that I'd object), I am simply praying for the day we make it into round 2 of any competition! And incidentally, I am utterly unconvinced that England will win again, at least not in my lifetime. So many other countries have improved so dramatically that I don't think England stand a chance. The English press seem to have this habit of whipping the supporters into a frenzy of expectation rather than a bond of hope, something which I find rather sad (and I would suggest contributes to certain "incidents" after losing matches).

5) No, it doesn't. Being abusive to the England team or their supporters (either physically or verbally) just because they are English would be racist (or technically "nationist" as "English" isn't actually a race), but simply not supporting them is not. Otherwise we would all be racist for not supporting all 32 nations involved in the cup.

So, there you go. Support who you will, it doesn't bother me. But do not presume to tell me who I should or should not cheer for...

...and, yes. I KNOW about 1966. Were you there? Because it was a few years before I was fucking born, and unless you have some first hand experience of the event that I haven't already heard will you please just fuck off.

Cheers m'dears!

Hey, it says "random" in the title, doesn't it!?

There is a woman who I see often as I wait for my bus to work. She looks a bit odd, a bit like a Chinese version of Anne from Little Britain ("Eh, eh, eeehhh!!"). And she walks backwards. For weeks I thought about this and finally decided it must be some kind of weird bone disorder that makes her legs unable to function forwards, and I felt very sorry for her, only able to see where she'd been, never where she was headed. And it must be dangerous too. And then one day, as she was walking along, she suddenly turned around and started walking forwards... go figure.

I just had it pointed out to me that a certain bottled water manufacturer has a sense of humour. I always wondered, having lived in countries where the tap water is perfectly safe, just what the obsession was at paying what seems to me over the top prices for a bottle of H2O... but then if you spell Evian backwards...

I think I may have another bout of hem... haemorr... heamer... *sigh* piles coming on. Or should I say 'pile' since I only ever get one at a time. I got my first one at the tender age of 20, but have been grape-free for about 3 years now. I think they are the reason I will never understand Sarah's obsession with anal beads...

Yesterdays date was 6/6/6, which freaks the shit out of some folk but not over here. The Mandarin word for "six" sounds a lot like the word for "lucky" or "good" or something so yesterday was a bumper day for weddings. Although I worry a little about any births that may have occurred.........

Apparently Wayne Rooney has been spotted kicking a football. Apparently the whole of the English press are having multiple orgasms over the "event". Apparently I couldn't give a flying fuck what that arse-faced twat does.

I once dated a girl who thought I was romantic because I said her eyes looked like eclipses. I wasn't being romantic. She had blue irises (what the fuck is that plural? Irees? Iri?) and around the pupil there was a kind of thin but very uneven golden ring. I wasn't trying to get laid, I just said what I saw.

King Darius the Mede wasn't called Darius at all but Darayavahush. Typical Anglicization of a name. I wonder how many kids out there know that. I wonder how many kids out there know that there was a guy called Darius that wasn't simply famous for being a twat on Pop Idol, or whichever wank show it was that he appeared on.

Oh, and by the way... Feet really piss me off. Especially YOURS!

Cheers m'dears!

Cuddly Monsters, Bridal Goats, Rampant Lions and Mischevious Magpies!

Okay, I know I've already posted today, which is doubly unusual when you think how many days I don't post at all, but I have just reread my suicide piece and thought to myself, fuck... how about something a bit more cheery? Something like the revelation that Osama bin Laden likes hugs, or the news that a guy in Sudan was ordered to marry a goat after being caught in flagrante with it... or Scotland kicking arse in the rugby last weekend (hey, I've resisted the temptation to mention it for 3 days!).

Or how about this... I have been nominated for the prestiguous Blog of the Week Award over at Mischief of Magpies! Previous illustrious winners include the likes of Anti-Barney, Dept. of Hate and West Coast Ramblings (all of whom I voted for so I hope they fucking return the favour!). The only downside is that one fellow nominee is Mr Hynes from Bogol, whose site I very much like, as mentioned before. In case he's reading this let me say "Good Luck!"

The rest of you, however, do me a favour - Vote Tosser!

Cheers m'dears!

ps - If you haven't noticed yet there is a button down the right side for the Top 100 Scottish Blogs. I'm constantly floating in the mid-to-late-50's... If you're bored at any time, please do leave a comment there for me!