What the...?

Having had a long day of hard work followed by an even longer night of hard liquor it was perhaps unsurprising to discover the next day that exhaustion had prevented me from leaving my clothes anywhere other than the floor. And it was by no means the first time that a half eaten packet of crisps, the evidence of a belated atempt at soaking up the alcohol, appeared to have been scattered on my bedside table. Nor could it be considered unusual that my missing house keys had turned up still in the lock of the front door - although that last had only recently become a worrying development.

What was strange, however, was my mobile 'phone. My best guess is that I had been attempting to 'sleep-text' in the middle of the night. No message actually got sent and who I believed I was writing to is a mystery but upon a morning inspection of my 'phone I discovered that I had been composing a slightly bizarre message. It read like this...

"Whats ur e-mail address again? Need 2 stay in touch! Mine is +65 followed by blue, red"

And there it ended, apparently unfinished. If anyone out there has any insight into what the fuck was going on in my brain that night I would love to hear from you! I honestly have not a clue!

Anyway, enough of that twaddle. I'm off to chow down on some bits and pieces of animals you wouldn't normally consider eating all minced up and cooked inside a plastic bag that's been made to represent a sheeps stomach, all whilst enjoying the skirl o' the pipes and steadily getting bladdered on fine whisky. I probably ought to hide my 'phone first, though... Happy Burns Night to ye all!

Slàinte m'dears!

Court jesting

I don't know about any of you but I am quite looking forward to the upcoming film The Last King of Scotland. No, not because it has the word 'Scotland' in the title - I am not even remotely that shallow - but because it stars Forest Whittaker and James McAvoy, two of (in my mind) the most interesting actors around. Add to that the story's factual basis on one of the most notorious figures in recent history, Idi Amin... like I said, I am looking forward to it.

And why, might you ask, do I bring this up. Well, I am sure most people are aware that the title of the film comes from Amin once claiming the Scottish throne for himself - and if you weren't you are now. This leaves me incredulous... I hate using the phrase "I'm not racist, but..." as most comments that start in this way are the most bigotted you will ever come across. But in what way did an African guy ever come to the notion that he might be the hereditary heir to the throne of a country that is very, very white? That is not to say that someone from a background other than 'North European' could never come to a future Scottish throne, presumably through marriage, but to be considered as an heir to it now? Maybe, just maybe, there was some rough and tumble between a former king and an ancestor of Mr Amin, but I'm sure that the queue for the throne would be filled with plenty of people who have greater claim.

Of course, Idi Amin was a posturer, a man who hyped himself, and believed the hype too. What is it that drives people to make such overtly outrageous claims? Yes, I know - the blog world is full of folk pretending to be other than they are, but that is a creation of a fictional persona rather than an over-inflation of the self. And of course such claims, in the political world, are laden with propoganda... Amin presumably felt that his claim to the Scottish throne would give him more kudos, if not in the international world then at least at home. And when you are lying for the home crowd it seems you can get away with more riduculous claims - remember Comical Ali insisting that the invasion of Iraq was failing even as US tanks crawled up the street behind him? Well, I know success or failure in Iraq seems to depend on your own personal standpoint (and that's a whole other post) but you get my drift!

Perhaps my favourite example of this kind of thing is a memory from my childhood when I found my Grandfather chortling at the newspaper one day. I asked him what was so funny... It turns out that a prominent figure in the Middle-East (possibly Arafat or Gaddafi) had whipped up a bit of a frenzy amongst his own supporters when he claimed that the west had wrongly claimed a famous playwright and poet as it's own, when in fact he had been an Arab living in 17th century England. The name of this disputed hero? Sheik Spear.

I shit you not!

Cheers m'dears!

A Condemnation...

This is just a quickie to register my disgust at the fucking morons who have been making the headlines recently. There is a rivalry between Scotland and England, and a history of antagonism between the two, and as a Scot I suppose I am biased in these affairs. But nothing - nothing at all - excuses the behaviour of the utter cunt who punched a 7 year old boy for wearing an England top in a Scots park. A fully grown (I use that phrase as an indicator of size, not mentality) man walking up to a wee lad and telling him "This is Scotland, not fucking England" before punching him to the ground? Whoever you are you are a cunt of the highest degree and if I ever found you out I'd be there with a fucking tyre iron in a flash...

Add that to twat number 2 who dragged a man out of his car for wearing an England top and beat the shit out of him. The fact that he was disabled (as the papers keep pointing out) is irrelevant - it simply should not have happened. The victim has been quick to point out that it was an unusual incident and he spent that evening (black-eye and all) in the bar watching England play Sweden with his Scots pals. Apparently they were supporting Sweden, but he himself happily states that this is "just friendly banter"... unlike the guy he'd encountered only hours earlier.

This all comes hot on the heels of Scotland being praised for the way it has (on the whole) welcomed the growing immigrant population who are moving over, especially the Poles. It really fucking distresses me to see a couple of wankers drag the rest of the nation through the mud...

...but hold your horses, Tony Blair. Blaming the Tartan Army is not right. They are an organisation with proper membership and have a sterling reputation the world over. To lump all Scots fans in with these two bastards does a disservice, but especially the Tartan Army when there is no proof that either perpetrator is a member.

And a message to the Sun newspaper... do you really think you help the situation whan you state that it's a good thing that on average the Scots die younger than the English? Typical tabloid press, fanning the fucking flames!

Cheers m'dears!

It's my support and I'll apportion it as I see fit!

Okay, lets get this one thing straight. I can't be arsed with all that "I support anyone who plays against England" crap. I don't see a great amount of point to it, other than to piss off a few wankers that I know. But for fucks sake, no-one has a right to expect me to support England either. I am perfectly happy to just not give a shit.

These are the arguments I am usually given for why I should support England:

1) We're all British.

2) We support Scotland when they play.

3) You live in England. (Okay, I obviously don't get that anymore but I used to.)

4) Scotland don't have a hope of ever winning.

5) If you don't it must mean you're racist.

And here are my replies:

1) Yes, we are. But by that token would you expect Everton fans to support Liverpool? Man City fans to support Man Utd? And as for the Old Firm.....

2) That's great, I am sure it is much appreciated. That is, assuming you really mean "support". I recall two England fans giving me that one during France '98, and to be fair they did cheer Scotland on during the games. But come the fateful last group game where we crashed and burned who were the first in the queue to take the piss and taunt me for my beloved Scotland failing to make it through (again)... I'll give you one guess. That, my friends, is not support. I, on the other hand, do not give a fuck so I neither cheer nor jeer.

3) So, you're telling me that if you were living in Argentina or Germany you would support them in front of England? Thought not.

4) So, what happened to it not being about winning but taking part? Anyway, I am not seriously waiting for a trophy to be lifted (not that I'd object), I am simply praying for the day we make it into round 2 of any competition! And incidentally, I am utterly unconvinced that England will win again, at least not in my lifetime. So many other countries have improved so dramatically that I don't think England stand a chance. The English press seem to have this habit of whipping the supporters into a frenzy of expectation rather than a bond of hope, something which I find rather sad (and I would suggest contributes to certain "incidents" after losing matches).

5) No, it doesn't. Being abusive to the England team or their supporters (either physically or verbally) just because they are English would be racist (or technically "nationist" as "English" isn't actually a race), but simply not supporting them is not. Otherwise we would all be racist for not supporting all 32 nations involved in the cup.

So, there you go. Support who you will, it doesn't bother me. But do not presume to tell me who I should or should not cheer for...

...and, yes. I KNOW about 1966. Were you there? Because it was a few years before I was fucking born, and unless you have some first hand experience of the event that I haven't already heard will you please just fuck off.

Cheers m'dears!

Cuddly Monsters, Bridal Goats, Rampant Lions and Mischevious Magpies!

Okay, I know I've already posted today, which is doubly unusual when you think how many days I don't post at all, but I have just reread my suicide piece and thought to myself, fuck... how about something a bit more cheery? Something like the revelation that Osama bin Laden likes hugs, or the news that a guy in Sudan was ordered to marry a goat after being caught in flagrante with it... or Scotland kicking arse in the rugby last weekend (hey, I've resisted the temptation to mention it for 3 days!).

Or how about this... I have been nominated for the prestiguous Blog of the Week Award over at Mischief of Magpies! Previous illustrious winners include the likes of Anti-Barney, Dept. of Hate and West Coast Ramblings (all of whom I voted for so I hope they fucking return the favour!). The only downside is that one fellow nominee is Mr Hynes from Bogol, whose site I very much like, as mentioned before. In case he's reading this let me say "Good Luck!"

The rest of you, however, do me a favour - Vote Tosser!

Cheers m'dears!

ps - If you haven't noticed yet there is a button down the right side for the Top 100 Scottish Blogs. I'm constantly floating in the mid-to-late-50's... If you're bored at any time, please do leave a comment there for me!