On the Dole

In the current piece by Clairwil, about her hairdo, she makes some mention of the DSS (Department of Social Services) in the UK, which brought back a few memories that I have decided to share...

My first job on leaving school (I didn't go to Uni straight away) was actually working at the DSS (or rather the ESJ - Employment Service Jobcentre - as it was called at that point). I never graduated to be one of those desk jockeys who 'jobseekers' had to explain themselves to, I just did the signings for dole money and sometimes worked on the job search desk.

One thing that struck me was that everyone always banged on about the lazy youngsters who were happy on the dole or who were working and signing on, yet for the most part I saw young people genuinely desperate to get a job - to be able to move out of home, settle with a girlfriend, whatever. Those who came in dragging their feet actually tended to be those who had been made redundant from middle-management in their late-forties and who had adopted an "I'm better than this" attitude... those who were often the ones moaning about the young scroungers!Yet I felt sympathetic to them too - it's a bitch of an age to become unemployed, to be deemed 'obsolete'.

Since then I have been on the other side of that desk more times than I care to remember and, frankly, I find it humiliating. I hated having to queue up for cash that was barely able to sustain a bloody gerbil, especially when I was able and willing to work. It's depressing feeling your mind rotting as it goes unused... but, having worked at the ESJ and having a sense of ethics, I was always honest about my earnings. Until.......

Being the go-getter I was I signed on to a temp agency and secured a week long assignment pretty much straight away. Over the course of the week I would earn a half-decent wage and, although I would lose a weeks dole money and housing benefit, I would be a bit better off and feel able to hold my head high. Or so I thought, until I went in and declared my earnings...

My signing on day was a Wednesday. As such the week that I worked had stretched across TWO weeks of benefits. The amount earned was enough to cancel out my dole money for both those weeks. I looked at the figures and I was still slightly better off so, despite feeling this was a little unfair, I let it ride. Then my housing benefit envelope arrived...

...with no cheque, just a letter. As I had been signed off as working for two weeks I was no longer entitled to housing benefit for that month. I quickly did the maths and worked out that, with all my enthusiasm for work and my honesty and integrity, I was actually quite a bit worse off than I would have been had I just sat at home watching daytime TV.

So I will come clean. Since then, whenever I have been on the dole, I have not shied away from earning a few pounds here and there doing odd jobs for mates without declaring it. If I have had longer term or reasonably well paid contracts then, yes, I have told the relevant people - I am, at heart, an honest man - but I won't be shat on like that again for doing the right thing. Oh, and on one occasion I deliberately failed an interview that the ESJ had sent me to because I knew that it would lead to exactly the same situation.

So in their eagerness to clamp down on those abusing the system the bureaucrats have inadvertently created new abusers, ones who don't actually want to cheat or lie but who are getting the shitty end of the stick if they don't. Do they even realise that they are partly to blame...?

Cheers m'dears!

I hateses it, I do...

I hate people who get lazy and rehash old posts on their blogs to make it look like they have actually created some output. But, then again, I fucking hate Hallowe'en more... so here is what I said about it last year in my post entitled "Shallowe'en"...

"Call me a miserable old cunt, but I really hate Hallowe'en. Seeing all the twats dressed up wandering around pubs in devil horns and black capes thinking they look so cool and 'fun-loving'... bollocks, you look like wankers. Especially those men who use it as an excuse to dress as a schoolgirl. Look, I have no problem with cross-dressing or anything, but just admit who the fuck you are for the rest of the year too. Don't use this one solitary night as an excuse to let your repressed urges out. It's just sad.

And all that "trick or treat" bullshit... what does it actually teach our kids? That it's okay to go around essentially threatening old folks. "Give us some sweets or we'll do something bad to you" - that's what it translates as. And to do it all whilst hidden behind masks? It's Dick Turpin and his ilk all over again - "Stand and deliver, your money or your life"! Fucking bastards..."

(as posted at http://averagetosser.blogspot.com/2006/10/shalloween.html )

Over on her blog FatMammyCat expresses a love for the "Holiday" (although as All Hallows Day is actually today, November the 1st, perhaps it is then that is the "Holy-day"?). She says that it is nice because it is a short one... Bollocks. That's only because she doesn't live in Sinless City where it's been going all fucking week. Still at least we don't have to put up with a teddy-bear wearing a Jason Vorhees mask as a "Guy" on November 5th (Guy Fawkes night, to all you non-Brits). There's nothing like a good celebration of burning Catholics, is there...

Cheers m'dears!

For Auld Lang Syne?

Friday evening and, as usual, I am wandering into a bar to check out some music and sink a few jars. This particular bar is a regular haunt, the guy strumming guitar and crooning away a friend of mine, the bar staff well versed in my preferences and idiosyncracies. It is one of those places that feels utterly relaxing in its familiarity... so I was at first a little surprised when one of the barmen called out "Hey, Binty - where did you go to uni?". Not a question I am used to hearing from these guys... usually I get the progression from "Pint, Binty?" to "Do you really want us to call the cops, Binty?" over the course of the evening. But, being as sober as I was at that point, I answered truthfully. He then pointed to the other end of the bar and my surprise level rocketed.

There, in all his slightly balder, slightly fatter glory was an old acquaintence from the old Alma Mater. I do not use the word 'friend' because I can't say that we ever particularly were, although we certainly had many mutual buddies. Yet here he was beaming at me like he was my long-lost brother... and so began the unplanned evening of reminiscences.

I would not wish to bore you with all the details (that's a lie - I have no problem boring you all shitless, I'd just rather not bore myself again writing down all the "I can't believe it's been X years"'s and the "Did you hear about whatsisname?"'s), suffice to say long-forgotten and often cringeworthy events were resurrected and old names from the past bandied about... all the while with me sitting there desperately trying to remember what the fuck THIS guys name was! At some point in the evening I managed to introduce him to a local friend and all of a sudden, as they exchanged pleasantries (and names!) I was enlightened... except that the name still meant absolutely bugger all to me.

How many times do you find yourself in this kind of situation? Okay, maybe not on a daily basis, but even if it's just bumping into a kid you once temped with for a week at some dodgy office who then talks as if you and he were founding partners of the company, or finding yourself in line at the supermarket next to the mother of the boy you sat next to in playgroup (kindergarten, for non-Brits) as she tells you every detail of his life ever since... we cannot help but get locked down from time to time by these perfectly nice, totally well-meaning, yet ultimately time-consuming (and often dull) individuals. And this is where sites like Facebook, Bebo and MySpace have become both a blessing and a curse...

Yes, I have been sucked into the mire of the Book of Face, as have several other bloggers listed here - although under my real identity of course. And it has been serving me well, illuminating me on my true past friends whereabouts and allowing me to re-establish several good relationships that had fizzled out simply because of distance and time pressures. As for the people I half-knew, I have no problem with linking up with them and checking their page once in a blue moon as it is something I can do at my own leisure, editing out the inconsequential bits that they tend to leave in when involved in face-to-face trips down memory lane. Yet whilst Facebook has proven to be a great way of keeping up to date with my friends all over the world I find myself constantly baffled by some of the friend requests I get. I mean, who the fuck are all these people? Did I really know them? Oh, right... so you were my ex-girlfriends housemates cousins friends uncle who I met for 5 minutes at a houseparty in Wigan in 1996... well, what are we waiting for! Let's be buddies!

(Another aspect I am very careful about is making sure that none of my students - past or present - are buddied with me, something which offends a few of them but I am not prepared to change my mind about... for fuck's sake, if they read some of the comments my friends have left me I would likely find myself out of a job!)

But that's all by-the-by... my half-point is really that for many people we don't stay in touch with there are reasons, even if those reasons are not ones of dislike but simply not being arsed enough. And as nice as it is to catch up and remember the good ol' days with your friends - your REAL friends - do we really want what little time we have left for making new friends and new memories to be eroded away by people and stories we had happily forgotten? And surely none of us want to simply be a contribution to some kid's pathetically sad claim to have a gazillion friends on MySpace... do we?

Cheers m'dears!

Identity - the meme

Okay, I am a bit slow on the uptake here but it has come to my attention that the aviating vermin has tagged me with another mo'fo'ing meme... and you know I HATE those things! But in lieu of any other form of inspiration for my random drivel I am inclined to take him up on the task...

So this one is 8 true facts about me with one utter porky. See if you can guess which one is balderdash...

1) I once acted in a popular British soap opera. No, I won't say which one. I still feel unclean. Suffice to say no-one I know even recalls ever seeing me in that role.

2) An ex-girlfriend of mine once contracted chlamidya... in her eye. It took the doctors weeks to work out what the problem was. And I'm sure many of them have dined out on that story since.

3) My favourite playwright is the relatively obscure Olwen Wymark, who was married to actor Patrick Wymark, twice celluloid-portrayer of Winston Churchill as well as Oliver Cromwell in Witchfinder General.

4) Despite growing up right by the sea (and I mean about 10 meters away from it at high tide) the highest swimming certificate I ever achieved was the 50 meters. And that was doggy-style. Err... I mean, 'paddle'!

5) I once full-on snogged a moustachioed man. There were extenuating circumstances. And it wasn't nice. Especially for him as I had been eating tuna from the tin 15 minutes previously.

6) I once lived two doors along from the scriptwriter for Roland Rat and The Krankies (sorry, non-Brits... you'll have to look those references up!). The latter I met in person at his house. It was not one of those hero-worship moments.

7) My father once stood in for Ian Anderson when he was unable to sing with his band Jethro Tull during auditions for a new drummer. Although that was around the Catfish Rising years, hardly a legendary period.

8) A picture I painted when I was only 16 can be seen behind Bob Dylan's head on the cover of his album 'World Gone Wrong'. It was hanging in the Camden gallery where Bob's photo shoot took place. For some legal bollocks reason I am not entitled to any royalties. Which is a bitch.

9) Yesterday on the MRT (tube / subway / metro, depending where you're from) another passenger accidentally showed me a picture on his phone of himself sitting on the toilet with his cock blatantly in shot. Oh, how we laughed.

If you get it right you get a nice little e-mail from me... but don't let on to anyone else! Oh, and Doc M., Kim, Sarah, FMC, Footsie... tag, you're it!

Cheers m'dears!

NOT an apology post.

I've been really busy, I'm afraid. Not that you are actually interested in my day to day life, but I just thought I'd let you know that I haven't forgotten about you all. I mean, I hate it when bloggers tell you all about their ultimately tedious reasons for having not sat at a computer screen trying to be witty. It's as if they are apologising for having the nerve to not entertain the rest of us, which displays a level of irony as the aoplogy posts themselves tend to have very little entertainment value. And, for gods sake, it's not as if you all want to know that I had fish heads for breakfast this morning before going to get my man-gina waxed...

Is it...?

Cheers m'dears!

Shit-faced ramblings...

Blogging. It's all well and done when you've got fuck all else to do, as a friend recently put on long term sick leave has demonstrated so well. But when you're working 572-gazillion hours a week and then trying to have a social life (one that does not involve going on-line, I mean) you don't really have much time to blog. The worst thing about this? Well, the irony that during any lazy period when you have nothing to do bugger all worth blogging about actually happens and you end up making mountains out of molehills just to rant about something, yet when you're busy events shape up in such a way that you are constantly composing blogs in your mind whilst going about your every day business but never get around to actually typing them...

This week I was going to write about the tragic Virginia shootings, linking it in to the obsessions that so many of us have with guns (do not deny this, especially if you have used Monstee's shooting gallery at Blunt Cogs - I am not a violent man, but...). I also wanted to write about whether I actually give a fuck about Prince William splitting from his bit of rough (I don't, although it amuses me that Woolworths had already manufactured crockery commemorating their impending engagement) and I also fancied having a bit of a bitch about the PM of Singapore upping his salary to S$3 million (1m Sterling, incidentally).

Suffice to say, all of the above have been amply covered by bloggers with better time-management skills than me. Which may explain why, having finally found a few hours, I am devoting my full attention to trying to forget the shit of last week (both globally and personally).

...which might just explain the title...

Cheers m'dears!

Marital strife

Tubthumper just sent me this article from http://www.komotv.com/news/5566451.html


OLYMPIA, Wash. (AP) - Proponents of same-sex marriage have introduced an initiative that would put a whole new twist on traditional unions between men and women: It would require heterosexual couples to have kids within three years or else have their marriages annulled.

Initiative 957 was filed by the Washington Defense of Marriage Alliance, which was formed last summer after the state Supreme Court upheld Washington's ban on same-sex marriage. In that 5-4 ruling, the court found that state lawmakers were justified in passing the 1998 Defense of Marriage Act, which restricts marriage to unions between a man and woman.

Under I-957, marriage would be limited to men and women who are able to have children. Couples would be required to prove they can have children to get a marriage license, and if they did not have children within three years, their marriages would be subject to annulment.

All other marriages would be defined as "unrecognized" and people in them would be ineligible to receive any marriage benefits.

"Absurd? Very," the group says on its Web site, which adds it is planning two more initiatives involving marriage and procreation. "But there is a rational basis for this absurdity. By floating the initiatives, we hope to prompt discussion about the many misguided assumptions" underlying the Supreme Court's ruling.

Gregory Gadow, who filed I-957 last month, said the three-year timeframe was arbitrary.

"We did toy with the idea of (requiring) procreation before marriage," he said. "We didn't want to piss off the fundamentalists too much."

Gadow said that if the group's initiatives were passed, the Supreme Court would be forced to strike them down as unconstitutional, which he believes would weaken the original ruling upholding the Defense of Marriage Act.

But he said he highly doubts any of the initiatives will pass, and that they are being done "in the spirit of political street theater."

"Our intention is not to actually put this into law," he said. "All we want is to get this on the ballot and cause people to talk about it."

The group's Web site gives another reason: "And at the very least, it should be good fun to see the social conservatives who have long screamed that marriage exists for the sole purpose of procreation be forced to choke on their own rhetoric."

Cheryl Haskins, executive director of Allies for Marriage & Children, agreed with Gadow's group on at least one point about the initiative: "It's absurd," she said.

Haskins said opponents of same-sex marriage "have never said that the sole purpose of marriage is procreation."

"When we talk about defending the institution of marriage, we're talking about the union of a man and a woman," she said. "Some of those unions produce children and some of them don't."

With I-957, "you're dictating people's choices in a way that is utterly ridiculous," she said.

However, Gadow noted that the Supreme Court's majority decision specifically mentioned procreation throughout.

The opinion written by Justice Barbara Madsen concluded that "limiting marriage to opposite-sex couples furthers the state's interests in procreation and encouraging families with a mother and father and children biologically related to both."

Gadow said the argument is unfair when you're dealing with same-sex couples who are unable to have children together.

"What we are trying to do is display the discrimination that is at the heart of last year's ruling," he said.

Even the Legislature's most prominent proponent of same-sex marriage, Sen. Ed Murray, D-Seattle, said he thought the initiative was misguided. While the "absurdity" of the Supreme Court decision should be discussed, that discussion needs to take place in the Legislature, he said.

"I don't think the initiative process should be used to determine the rights and protections of marriage," he said.

Murray, one of five openly gay lawmakers in the Legislature, is sponsoring a measure that would create domestic partnerships for same-sex couples and another to allow same-sex marriage. The domestic partnership measure has passed out of committee and a vote on the Senate floor could come within weeks.

The sponsor of the same-sex marriage measure in the House, Rep. Jamie Pedersen, said he supported the effort "to draw attention to the hypocrisy of some of those who oppose marriage equality" but opposed the initiative.

"For the same reason I don't think same-sex couples should be excluded from marriage, I don't think heterosexual married couples should be forced to procreate," said Pedersen, D-Seattle.

Supporters of I-957 must gather at least 224,800 valid signatures by July 6 to put it on the November ballot.

The measure's backers said the two additional initiatives they plan would prohibit divorce or separation when a married couple has children, and would make having a child together the equivalent of marriage.

Gadow said his goal is to raise $300,000 to spend on advertising on the first initiative.


In his e-mail Tubbie refers to the idea as completely insane, a sentiment which I am slightly inclined to echo, although at the same time I find it utterly ingenious. Will it work? Will it force the issue of same-sex marriage and weaken the Defense of Marriage Act? I'd like to hope so.

I am, however, slightly surprised by the negative reactions of Senator Murray and others who are pro-gay marriage. One would hope that they could understand that no-one actually really wants Initiative 957 to succeed, that it is just a way of exposing hypocrisy and bigotry. But then I suppose that as an openly gay Senator he has enough people opposing him and any perceived attack on the institution of marriage could seriously damage him...

Whatever happens I personally think that this is an excellent way of making a point and I urge any of you who can to contribute to the list of signatures so that this issue gets the attention it deserves.

Cheers m'dears!

10 Things I Hate About Meme

Thank you, Flying Rodent, for being an utter cunt and tagging me with another inane piece of shite meme. The topic of this one is simple - list 10 things you would never do. Okay, let's give it a shot...


Number 1:- Complete this meme.



Cheers m'dears!

One for the Roadie...

You may remember that a month ago I wrote about the Iggy Pop rider... No? Fair enough, I'd forgotten about it myself until today when I received an e-mail notifying me of a new comment made on that post. Not that it's anything unusual to receive comments on old posts... it's just that this time the comment was from Jos Grain, the architect of said rider and roadie for Iggy and The Stooges. Which was a surprise...

Anyway, he provided me a link for his own site where a fresher version of the rider can be found (I think there are one or two additional laughs in there too)... If you haven't read the rider yet, do - it's well worth it! If you have then may I advise you to check out his site anyway... hell, it amuses me! I particularly like his weird artwork, most especially the statuette entitled "Uzi Godmother" which he apparently gave to Spider from the Pogues as a wedding present last month...

There's nothing like a crazy Dutch guy to brighten your day. Apparently.

Cheers m'dears!

Lust for riders...

Okay, I hold my hands up and admit that I am wilfully stealing from a fellow blogger here... but I just found this too fucking funny not to share. A few days back Flying Rodent posted a rider list for Iggy Pop and the Stooges... anyone out there not knowing what a rider is, let me explain -

Riders usually have two parts: the tech rider is all the PA gear the band need (and in some cases drums) and is fairly standard, unless you're only playing Damien Rice covers on a battered Spanish guitar in the Fuckwit and Firkin on a Sunday afternoon. The other half of the rider is all the stuff you can ask for to keep yourself sustained and entertained backstage. This usually starts from 'a couple of bottles of water and maybe some tea-making equipment' if you're a random chancer who has only managed to score a gig in a proper venue by dint of someone else dropping out, but can eventually rise through the inevitable alcohol requests to the likes of 11-course banquets, hookers, coke (not the fizzy), livestock and pretty much anything else a warped mind-blown megalomaniac rock star might want...

...which is kind of the position that Mr Pop and his band occupy.The thing that makes their rider list, however, is not simply the demands (of which, in truth, only one or two might appear over the top) but the way in which it is written. If I hadn't been assured by the faeries at the bottom of my garden that the Stooges and all their road crew were clean-living spiritual souls I might have suspected the influence of some illegal substance...

Below I give you a selection of the very few moments from this 18 page stream-of-consciousness epic that can actually be reproduced in short sentence format, but many of the best bits are longer paragraphs that take you off on random tangents here, there and everywhere. So if you have the time I truly recommend that you read the whole damn thing!

"...AMPLIFIERS that have been tested recently. And when I say "recently", I don't mean "Sometime in the three weeks preceding the occasion when it fell 5 meters off the top shelf in the warehouse"..."

"...TOM-TOM WITH MOUNTING. And if you can't bring the mounting to us, we'll have to send a bloke called Mohammed to the mounting..."

"...By the way our guitar roadie, Chris, assures me that the panda is not of the genus "Bear", but is actually a part of the "Pig" family. Could this possibly be true?..."

"...GUITAR (Clear and bright like the sound of jackboots on wet cobblestones)..."

"...NO TOY ROBOTS, TELEVISION EVANGELISTS, or TELEVISION CAMERAMEN..."

"...We had a lighting designer once, but he went mad so we shot him..."


I tell thee, it's fucking genius... and speaking of fucking geniuses (geni-i? geniuse?) and of stream of consciousness, it's nice to see Brewski making one of his sporadic posts...

Cheers m'dears!

Who is B.U.M. Tosser 2006?

The results of the music quiz are finally in! And, in reverse order, they are as follows...

In joint 3rd place we have Flying Rodent and Monstee, on a very respectable 6 points each.

Just pipping them with 7 points, in 2nd place is Gabs (send me a link and I'll add it in...)

And the winner, on a magnificent 11 points, is FMC (with a little bit of help from the paramour and her sister!). A banner for you to display proudly will be sent to you in due time, so you can let everyone know that you are officially B.U.M. Tosser 2006!

Well done to all, and thanks to everyone who took part - a full list of scores and all the answers (including those that went unsolved) can be found on the original post.


Right, now that's over with... check this out! It makes me laugh! You can't Hassle the Hoff!

And a brief message to Clairwil, who has had a spot of bother recently with some arseholes being cuntish on her site... did wonders for the hit-count, apparently... but remember this, Clairwil - Never argue with an idiot. They will only drag you down to their level and then beat you on experience...!

Cheers m'dears!

Six Degrees of Alienation

As Mick Jagger once sang, "Tah-ah-ah-ime is on my side, yes it i-is!" - and, no... that is not an answer to the still-ongoing quiz. No, today I have answered all my e-mails, paid my bills, read all the blogs I link to (and I had a fair bit of catching up, I have to say!) and... well, run out of shit to do. So I decided to try out an idea I had a while back, a numbered blog-crawl. The idea is, you choose any of the links you have on your blog, work out what number link that is, and visit it. You read it (if you haven't already) and then count down the exact same number on that blogs links. And so on, and so forth... the idea hopefully being that you might find some fun new places to visit. After all, I like all the blogs I list, and most of them like me... it should stand to reason that I will like a lot of what they like, etc... shouldn't it?

The one thing I decided was that I wasn't going to count banner links or any self referencing ones (ie, older posts)... just your average 'blogs I like to visit' shit. So, let's start at the very begining, as Julie Andrews once warbled... it's a fucking good place to start. Okay, that wouldn't quite have been her words but they work well for my Numero Uno link...

1) Hotrocks, home of the sporadic Mr Brewski... his first link is to the Curmudgeon, Philip Chalinor, who I also already link to... Mr C then links first to Robert Aickman - an appreciation. All very nice, but it's a dead end with no further links. Great start, McShae! Let's try from link number 2 instead...

2) Dr Maroon's Cape to Rio... link 2 to Anti-Barney, another mutual chum... link 2 to... Google News? WTF? Back to square one, and link number 3...

3) ...which is, again, Anti Barney... his link number 3 is to Kim Ayres (how incestuous is this community!?)... link 3 to The Quiet Storm and a slightly scary yet fascinating post about coping with migraines by tying zip-locked bags of ice to your head. This is more like it! Now I'm getting out and about! Link 3 from here is... "This Page Cannot Be Found". Bollocks.

4) Straight back into the arms of Kim, whose link number 4 takes us this time to Callum and Kieran and a mildly diverting post about a missing crayon that, whilst potentially in the hands of a 2-year old, retains all the panic-power of Iran going nuclear. Nice enough... 4th link from here is I Thought I Was Driving, whose post 'Failure to Blog' looked like it was written by someone totally exhausted, and had the same power on me... There was absolutely nothing wrong with it, it just didn't grab me. But then it's all horses for courses, right?

5) On to Foot Eater's gaff, The Fishwhacker Swindle?, and his number 5, another familiar link... Bogol, by the incomprehensible Arlington Hynes. His number 5? another old sidebar-pal, Dr Evil... and a perhaps unsurprising link to Dangerous Laboratories. Unfortunately from here the trail once more goes cold.

6) El Barbudo is my link number 6, and from there... well, it was always a possibility I suppose. The mutual arse-lick fest reaches a peak when I discover that his link number 6 takes me right back here to Random Drivel. I'm begining to wonder if any of us actually know anyone else outside our own corner of the blog-iverse...

7) Horses Ass Pub, landlady one Ms Andraste (who's real name shall not be revealed... snigger!). She's doing a nice line in educating us heathens in the world of fine art at the moment, but I've already been here today and seen the picture, so time to move on to her link number 7 - Dead Pan Ann. A post about buying CD's , something close to my heart! Never heard of the first band she mentions (must be losing my touch) but I will take her recommendation on the Dylan album. I like him anyway. We're going to have to disagree about The Killers though. I'm a big fan...

But I digress... from there I get to Ramblings of a Redneck Diva, who talks about a school shooting - this is news to me, the first I have heard about it. Have these things become so commonplace in the States now that no-one bothers to report them anywhere else? It does strike me as unusual when on most days, even here in Asia, I can read in the Daily Propoganda whet Dubya had for breakfast. Saying that, her post doesn't dwell on that one incident and is instead a by turns chilling and heart-wrenching look into parents nightmare scenarios. Which made my visit to her link number 7 all the more of a surprise.

Initially I was struck by the title, Scotland of the Soul, wondering just how we Jocks had managed to become so prolific at this end of blog-land. But as soon as the blog opened my eyes were instantly drawn to one thing... the "I Stand With Israel" banner in the top right corner. Screw not counting banners. Screw only clicking the 7th link. I had to check... and I got here. My views on that are a whole other post just waiting to explode... I read the comments on the Jack Lewis site with interest, especially where it notes that Israel's enemies are killing innocent Israelis. Yes, they are. But to stand with Israel when it commits the exact same crime, killing the innocents on the other side of the fence. That's fucking blind, man. Fucking warped.

When you get used to blogging to all your online mates it's often easy to forget that you're only 6 degrees of seperation from shit like this.

Somone make me a fucking banner. I want it to say "I Stand With The Innocent Victims".

...as for the blogging by numbers thing? I lost the taste for it after that...

Cheers m'dears!

No still means no!

I just received a new response to my post on Male Rape, which (although I did not agree with everything) I found to hold interesting perspectives. I am reproducing it, and my response, below. As always, your feedback is warmly welcomed...


Posted by Clarice on Wednesday, October 04, 2006 10:29:44 PM

"Agree with all of this, but I think it's strange and rather telling that when this stuff happens to women, it is so prevalent as to be almost normative, and no-one hardly turns a hair. When it happens to one single man, suddenly it makes men think. Men don't seem to like it much when even one woman starts behaving as men have done with impunity since the year dot. I am reminded too of Myra Hindley in this respect.
.
The fact that the gender of those involved is presented here as the "twist" in the tale, that the readers' expectations are so predictable as to be exploited to this effect makes me feel rather sad. Perhaps I don't get it. What is the "surprise" of the genders in this case supposed to tell us?
.
Why should it be different (any more or less upsetting) depending on the gender of those involved?
.
Well, I'll say one thing. He was less likely to get a disease, and completely unlikely to have to risk his life or reproductive fitness carrying or aborting a child as a result of the encounter. Also, because of the stereotypes in our culture, he didn't have to feel secretly that he was a slag - he may have felt like people would say he was asking for it, but a man who asks for sex does not carry the same stigma as a woman who does so. So there are similarities, but also differences I feel in the male-female experience.
.
If people can realise that sexual stereotypes damage men as well as women, maybe things could change. It's just a depressing shame that the knowledge that they damage women is not a good enough motivator by itself. That by itself kind of tells me that they're here to stay."


Posted by Clarice on Wednesday, October 04, 2006 10:39:39 PM

"On reflection, I think the "twist" in this tale is supposed to tell us that the male concerned felt emasculated as well as everything else. He experienced something that as well as being upsetting and unpleasant, traditionally only happens to females. The extent to which this adds another layer of hurt to the experience kind of depends on his view of females, doesn't it?
.
This state of affairs is a double-edged sword. If I am raped, at least that's par for the course of being female, looking at the stats. On the other hand, if I am made to have sex with someone I do not like or respect, or who does not appear to display very much humanity, you could say that's par for the course of being male, looking at the boom in the sex industry these days. These are muddy waters."


Reply by me on Thursday, October 05, 2006 9:32:21 AM

"Wow, Clarice... I never for one second intended it to be read that it is normal for a woman to be raped. It is a beastly, disgusting crime, and I for one turn more than one hair when I hear about it. Of course, you don't hear about it because it does happen so much, in the same way you don't hear about a car crash, but you do if it's a plane...
.
As far as Myra Hindley goes... she is just another person in a list of killers, and to me her being a woman makes little difference... she's there alongside Fred West, Dr Shipman... and of course her own partner in crime, Brady.
.
I acknowledge I somewhat exploit readers expectations with the 'twist', but only because I wanted people to view this as something wrong. If I started with "This is a tale of a man raped by a woman" there are many who would have refused to take it seriously. By presenting the seriousness (because everyone views the rape of a woman as serious) before the perhaps unusual feature it was intended to raise thought - which it succeeded in doing.
.
You say why should it be different depending on gender? That is entirely the point of my post...
.
I thoroughly disagree that he was less likely to get a disease - that comment suggests that only men can carry and transmit STD's - and although I agree that he was never going to get pregnant or have to have an abortion what if she had got pregnant? Possibly deliberately? And kept the child?
.
Maybe you're right that he didn't need to feel like a slag, but just because he didn't NEED to doesn't mean he didn't... and the affects of rape are usually deemed to be more traumatic on a personal emotional level, rather than a physical one - who knows exactly how he felt? Remember, this guy had always been a bit of a nerd and had been picked on... who is to say that he didn't fear what others might say or do to him?
.
It is depressing that knowledge of the way women are treated is not a motivator in itself, but don't kid yourself into thinking that the story in my post will suddenly change the perception. Saying "it happens to men too" only raises more questions, it doesn't provide any solutions. Mankind (and womankind) has a history of people hurting and abusing others - that isn't going to change any time soon.
.
As for your second comment, I thoroughly disagree. I say that because I know the guy well. It's difficult to explain... I don't think he ever felt 'manly' enough to ever then be 'emasculated'. And as all his closest friends, both at school and since, have usually been female I don't think he ever viewed them in a macho bullshit way. But maybe it was that breach of trust that hurt the most?
.
These are indeed muddy waters..."


Thanks, Clarice, for taking the time... and Cheers m'dears!

Binty's Ulitimate Music Tosser Quiz

Over the last couple of days I have enjoyed racking my brains over at the Ill Man and Clairwil blogs where quotation and lyric quizzes have sprung up. Never being one to let a good bandwagon pass me by (and being generally too fucking lazy to come up with anything original) I am proud to present Binty's Ultimate Music Tosser Quiz!

Below are 30 quotes from different songs - the first 10 are all opening lines, the second 10 are closing lines, and the final 10 are plucked from somewhere in the middle of a song... this should make things progressively harder!

Post your guesses (song title and artist) in the comments, first to get each one will be credited accordingly - and the person with the most correct answers will be bestowed with the magnificent title "Binty's Ultimate Music Tosser 2006" - or BUM Tosser '06 for short.

Finally - and this should not need saying, but I will anyway - we all know how to use search engines. If you want to do so to satisfy your own curiosity, fine, but if you are 'googling' simply to look knowledgeable or to win a frankly meaningless quiz then you are nothing but a sad, shallow cunt!

Let battle commence...

Round 1 - Opening lines

1) Once I had a love and it was a gas...

(Heart of Glass by Blondie - solved by Flying Rodent / Kim Ayres)

2) Oh, she dressed in the dark and she whispered 'Amen'...

(Galway to Graceland by Richard Thompson - solved by Monstee / Ion)

3) Men reading fashion magazines; Oh what a world it seems we live in...

(Oh What a World by Rufus Wainwright - solved by Monstee / Gabs)

4) Paint my face in your magazines; Make it look whiter than it seems...

(Powerless (Say What You Want) by Nelly Furtado - solved by FMC)

5) People on the street now; Faces long and grim...

(How Come by Ray Lamontagne - remained unsolved)

6) I see the clouds that move across the sky; I see the wind that moves the clouds away...

(Don't Worry About The Government by Talking Heads - solved by Thirteenth Monkey)

7) Who gave you permission to rearrange me?

(Certainly by Erykah Badu - remained unsolved)

8) Rioja, rioja; Reverend Al Green; Deep blue morocco; The water on stone...
(Pearl's Girl by Underworld - solved by Flying Rodent / Rat)

9) We were at a party; His ear lobe fell in the deep...

(Rock Lobster by The B-52's - solved by Monstee)

10) We passed upon the stair; We spoke of was and when...
(The Man Who Sold the World by David Bowie - solved by Flying Rodent / Rat)

Round 2 - Closing Lines

11) ...My mind... My mind... 'Til I find somebody else.

(Blowers Daughter by Damien Rice - solved by Gabs)

12) ...and I'll stand over your grave 'til I'm sure that you're dead.

(Master's of War by Bob Dylan - solved by Clairwil)

13) ...You can't go home, the night is young; I'm blacking out but it's been fun.

(The Scene Is Dead by We Are Scientists - solved by Gabs)

14) ...Take it slow, oh-oh; This time we'll take it slow.

(Ordinary People by John Legend - remained unsolved)

15) ...Who's responsible? You fucking are! Who's responsible?

(Of Walking Abortion by The Manic Street Preachers - solved by Ill Man)

16) ...And we can't turn back; 'Cause it's too late, too late, too late, too late, too late.
(I Looked at You by The Doors - solved by Gabs / FMC's paramour)

17) ...Goin' out tonight, goin' out tonight; Baby, you and I, goin' out tonight.

(Living for the Weekend by Hard-Fi - remained unsolved)

18) ...Same old game, same old thing; Always rappin' 'bout the same old thing.

(Funkier than a Mosquito's Tweeter by Nina Simone - solved by FMC and her sis!)

19) ...Creation baby has failed again; Creation baby has failed again.
(This Wicked Tongue by P J Harvey - solved by Clairwil)

20) ...Wherever men are fightin' for their rights; That's where I'm gonna be, Ma; That's where I'm a gonna be.

(Tom Joad by Woody Guthrie - solved by Annie's fiance)

Round 3 - Randomly plucked lines

21) ...Butterflies and zebras; And moonbeams and fairy tales...
(Little Wing by Jimi Hendrix - solved by Ion)

22) ...You work in a shirt with your name tag on it; Drifting apart like a plate tectonic...
(Oh My God by The Kaiser Chiefs - solved by Flying Rodent)

23) ...Water is my eye; Most faithful mirror...

(Teardrop by Massive Attack - solved by Tubthumper)

24) ...I wanna speak louder than Ritalin; For all the children who think that they've got a disease...

(Oxygen by Willie Mason - solved by FMC / Gabs)

25) ...Kiss me, please kiss me; Kiss me out of desire, baby, not consolation...
(Last Goodbye by Jeff Buckley - solved by FMC)

26) ...I know you like to think your shit don't stink; But lean a little bit closer...
(Roses by Outkast - solved by FMC)

27) ...Love forever, love is free; Let's turn forever, you and me...
(Feelgood Inc. by Gorillaz- solved by Flying Rodent / FMC)

28) ...You're a slut, you're a bitch, you're a whore...

(Blue Flashing Light by Travis - remained unsolved)

29) ...Majordomo Billy Bojangles; Sit down and have a drink with me...

(Alabama Getaway by The Grateful Dead - solved by Monstee)

30) ...Or that everybody's on the stage; And it seems like you're the only person sitting in the audience...

(Skating Away by Jethro Tull - solved by Annie)

[Final Scores: 1st place - FMC (et al) with 11 points ; 2nd place - Gabs on 7 ; Joint 3rd place - Flying rodent and Monstee, both on 6... well done to you all! Honourable mentions for bothering to take part go to: Clairwil and Annie (and fiance), both on 4 points; Ion with 3 ; Ill Man, Rat, Tubthumper and Thirteenth Monkey, all on 2 ; and last but by no means least, Kim Ayres with 1 - the remaining 10 points went unclaimed.]

Cheers m'dears!

No means no.

Let me tell you a little story, one that is completely true, no matter how much you may scoff or sneer at it. It is the tale of a virginal student and an English teacher who found themselves in an illicit relationship, one which affected the student for many years...

With only two months to go before turning 19 this student was probably a little unusual in still being a virgin, although having always been a bit nerdy and mostly friendless it was probably not THAT much of a surprise. But despite being remembered (and still dismissed) by peers as the spotty swotty one this student's looks had improved a little with maturity and this particular English teacher noticed. The fact that the student was good at acting and the teacher was directing the school play brought them into closer contact with each other and eventually it became apparent that the student had a crush on the teacher...

At the cast party after the play, out at the teacher's house in the middle of the countryside, the situation developed and they kissed and 'fooled around' for a bit. And the teacher seemed to respect the fact that the student didn't want sex, wasn't ready for it... and so began the affair.

After a fortnight or so of clandestine meetings and journeys out to the lonely house (where the student would sometimes spend the night) the teacher's attitude changed slightly. The agenda became sex, although the issue was never forced... the teacher was just a little too persistent. Still the student resisted, naively believing that this was love and it could all wait... believing that the teacher had respect and would be patient for sex. Until one night the student awoke to find the teacher was just taking it anyway.

The student didn't know what to say or do, so just froze and allowed the teacher to finish. It was all so confusing... after all, this was love... wasn't it? And because the student still believed this the relationship continued for a few more days until it just got too much and the student jumped on a train and travelled to stay with family far away... the teacher quietly moved to another school and was subsequently sacked for trying to seduce 2 more students there whilst sharing a spliff with them.

13 years later and the student is now almost 32. Attitudes toward sex and male-female relationships have been coloured by this first experience, the professional diagnosis being 'a fear of sexual intimacy' which has played a large part in consigning a two-year marriage to the bin. It has also affected friendships, relationships with family, and generated a great deal of self-loathing that is only just now being dealt with through counselling sessions.

At face value it's a tragic case of a person abusing a position of trust and authority and raping an innocent - lock the bastard up! But then there's a twist in the tale, a piece of information that you might refuse to believe or accept. The student was male, the teacher female.

...!...

"A man cannot be raped by a woman!"

In general, I might agree. For the most part rape is performed by a physically stronger aggressor (or group), and for the most part men are still physically stronger than women. But then, not all women fight back, not all rapists need to be physically stronger - especially if they know the victim. A woman may simply lie there, and hope her attacker is quick so she can get away... or maybe, like the case above, the victim doesn't quite understand that what is happening to her is wrong, maybe because she deludes herself that she 'loves' this beast.

As for the physical - if a woman is enjoying a small degree of intimacy with a man she may become turned on. Being turned on does not neccesarily mean she wants sex. Just because her sexual organs have responded in the way they are supposed to and lubricated themselves does not mean that in her heart or her head she is ready... and if she vocalises that and says no? Well, no means no.

Likewise, even if a man is physically turned on and has an erection it does not neccesarily indicate that he agrees to participate in intercourse. If he vocalises that and says no - as the student above did MANY times? Three words. No means no.

No one is claiming that female-on-male rape is as widespread a cancer as the other way around. There are thousands of cases of men raping women every year, yet this is the only example I know of the reverse happening (other than cases involving much younger males which would be considered child abuse anyway). But I still find it absurd that because it is quite the exception it can be dismissed so easily (and it has been, affecting the guy even more). It doesn't matter who you are, what sex you are - no means no. And that counts for male-on-female, female-on-male, male-on-male or female-on-female.

This post has been inspired by FMC's recent post on the rapper DMX and the ensuing comments. Whilst I only know a little about DMX and personally find his story of being 'raped' by a woman a little suspect I did think it was worthwhile exploring a subject I know a little about...

That ol' Red Carpet again...

I've been so up to my ears in work and moving house the last couple of weeks that I haven't really read any other blogs, let alone update on this one. So I was pleasantly surprised whilst trawling through the back pages of the Ill Man site to discover that I have been nominated for an award - for 'Young Blogger of the Year'. Cheers, IM, the sentiment is very much appreciated. I am not doing very well, however, currently joint last with 3 votes. Unsurprising perhaps as my recent output has been sporadic and varying in quality, but the fact that there are those of you out there that contiue to check out this site - and I note I received two new links from other sites in the last fortnight as well - makes it all worthwhile.

Ill Man - I still haven't linked to you yet because I am a bone idle bastard, but I promise... it's coming! Anyone who wants to vote for me, it's here.

Speaking of awards, another kind-of-nice surprise this week was receiving an award at the school I work at. Well, two in fact. This week we had "Teacher's Day", the one day of the year where even the shittiest kids are really nice and respectful to you, even to the point of buying you presents and stuff. The 'informal' award I received was a shock in itself... the kids voted me 'Trendiest Male Teacher'. Now, believe me when I say that one thing I am not is trendy. But I suppose that since I am the only teacher who on dress-down Friday's doesn't tuck his t-shirt into his high-waisted trousers I was possibly the only available option. On a more formal note, at the compulsory (*groan*) evening meal for staff I was presented with an award for outstanding achievement at my school, which was nice, but... well, call me a cynic but I think my carefully planted rumours about leaving for another establishment may have found their target. Screw the award, I was after some better equipment and maybe even a small pay rise!

In truth that's probably quite an unfair assesment of my bosses, but regardless of how or why I 'won' my award I find that I am uncomfortable with it as I feel that I was only doing my job. The reasons stipulated on the award are the artistic events I have co-ordinated over the last 8 months, but then again they were the very things that I was employed to do. Okay, so they naturally often involve long hours and unpaid overtime, but to balance that out I also have the luxury of very short days with little homework to mark at other times of the year. There are others in my school who teach hugely complicated academic subjects and still dedicate themselves to extra-curricular activities as well, some of whom helped me out a great deal (and I couldn't have put on these events without them). It is they who deserve such recognition.

But then again, this is always a problem... we celebrate those that do flashy things, not those who sacrifice their own lives for others. Was mine really an award for Outstanding Achievement, or just for managing to Achieve Standing Out? And what about on a global scale...? The Oscars and their ilk? Fuck 'em! Where are the awards for the nurses, lifeguards, firemen... They are the people who truly deserve the standing ovations. Because what is more of an outstanding achievement than putting your own life on hold, or even at risk, to save a complete stranger?

Cheers m'dears!

Self-harm - not so cut and dried.

On Brewski's current post he mentions people who self-harm... he brings this up in his usual 'what the fuck is going on?' kind of way (quote: "And what's with every cunt self-harming these days anyway? The world has fucking left me behind pal.") and in the midst of a typically humorous post, so rather than bring everyone down by getting all serious in his comments box I have decided to write on the subject here...

Now, I have worked with (in a mentor / student capacity) and been friends with many people who have or still do cut themselves and to my mind they fall into three distinct categories:-

1) The ones that genuinely want to kill themselves. These are the ones I have met least, partially because... well, you don't know who they are until they do it. Only those who fail in the attempt get brought to your attention, and only if you are close to the individual or work in some kind of medical or social field where you would need to know. Your average person in the street would be oblivious to this type of self-harmer as they tend to keep the scars well covered to avoid detection.

2) The ones who feel like they are letting out the pain. This is kind of like a medieval style blood-letting and as well as the psychological idea of "bleeding out the bad" there is some degree of physical truth in the concept that calmness and "lightness" comes with a loss of blood. This type of self-harmer does this purely for themselves and is usually embarrassed about it. As a result they also tend to keep their scars covered to avoid detection.

3) The attention-seekers. Okay, that is a harsh phrase to use to describe them but it sums it up. They are maybe crying out for help, maybe simply wanting someone to notice them. Some just want to look 'hard', although I have not met many like that. These tend to be most obvious, the most noticeable to other people, as they ones rarely cover up their scars - the point of them is to be seen. Whereas types 1 and 2 will often be left with permanent scars type 3 will rarely cut that deep... of course, there is always the chance that - if ignored - a type 3 will graduate to type 2 or 1.

Okay, there is certainly some generalisation there and my intention is not to offend any readers who themselves self-harm. I do, however, base this on my observations and conversations with self-harmers, some of whom have been very close to me.

The basic fact is the people who we most hear about and see, the people who Brewski describes as "slicing 'I am a cunt' into your pallid skin, you poncey emo fucks you", they tend to fall into category 3. But there are so many more people out there who do this than we realise... your best friend; your kid; your secretary; your teacher... I guarrantee that all of us have people in our lives that cut themselves, yet we don't even know.

As usual your thoughts are welcomed...

Cheers m'dears!

For those who are interested here is a link to The National Self-Harm Network of the UK. For those outside of the UK there are other sites that may be more use - you just need to do a search.

Far-Eastenders!

"You begin reclassifying your life into "that will make a good blog entry" or "that won't make a good blog entry". Suddenly your life isn't your own anymore."

Writer Douglas Coupland, explaining why he doesn't blog.

Reading FMC's current post 'Bitch Fight!' suddenly jolted my memory back to an event sometime last week that took me so by surprise that I instantly said "That's going in my blog". Sorry Mr Coupland, I don't have your willpower. Now, this instance is not as big or as bad as FMC's but judging purely by the nature of my previous experiences in Sinless City it caught me a little off-guard...

Whilst walking along the riverside bars with a friend, checking out which dodgy overpriced nightspot we were going to weasel our way into, we decided to join a queue behind two attractive young women of Chinese origin. No, they were not our motivation - it's hardly an unusual sight here - it was the lure of cheap(er) drinks. We didn't hang around long, though, as 30 seconds later (and with no hint of a warning) the one girl turned around to the other and screamed at the top of her lungs (in a suspiciously cock-er-nee Eastenders fashion) "LET'S 'AVE IT!!". Girl two scarpered pretty sharpish, and we weren't far behind to be honest...

Now, okay - nothing out of the ordinary for many of you I suspect... but unlike my previous home in Yokelbury, UK, the atmosphere over here is generally not like that. And despite western TV and films constant portrayl of Oriental women as the screaming dominatrix type none of the Chinese women I have met have been anywhere near that aggressive. Angry, sure. Loud... almost always. But psycho-like? In retrospect (and sobriety) the occurrence was not actually half as amusing as I thought at the time, but the image of that pretty 5'2" Chinese girl, feet firmly planted, holding her hands out (palms up and gesturing in the 'bring it on' motion), mouth wide open as she bellowed a la football hooligan... that's going to stay with me for some time, believe me!

Cheers m'dears!

Incidentally - this is my actual, real, genuine 100th post. "Oh, huzzah" I hear you mutter. Don't worry about dropping by to congratulate me though, you've already missed the party... we had it a bit early!

Food, Glorious Food!

Having a lazy (read: hungover) day, cruisin' around the various blogs I link to and making sure I catch up on those further down the list... yes, I must confess that I do not always manage to read all of them every day, so once in a while I will come across something a few days old and wish I'd seen it sooner so I could join in with all the comments. And so, in lieu of actually having anything to say for myself, I have shamelessly raided a couple of other blogs for ideas... so sue me!

First things first, whilst visiting Hungbunny I came across a new food product which I can only describe as jaw-dropping in it's sheer stupidity. I mean, how much of a cunt do you really have to be to buy a pre-prepared ready meal of... beans on fucking toast! As HB himself points out, he is not averse to "white trash food" but if you want beans on toast how hard is it to open a tin of beans, heat them up and toast some bread. This just takes laziness to a whole new dimension...

The other food-related item brought to my attention was picked up over at Emerald Bile, a story about a tuna fish whose scale colourings form a verse from the Koran. With the level of religious fervour surrounding this incident one has to wonder how long it will be before US scientists attempt to genetically modify fish for propoganda purposes... Just imagine the possibilities!

Cheers m'dears!

BBC? Bemused By Cockup...

Over on Thumping The Tub our friend Michael runs regular polls on various topical events. His current open musings ask what we think of the BBC - something I briefly touch on in this ancient post. And the reason I mention that?

Well, it seems that in its efforts to reach out to the common man the BBC has adopted the unusual approach of asking ordinary folk for expert opinions. For example, in debating the pros and cons of the Apple .v. Apple case BBC 24 opted to seek out the views of... a cabbie. Well, I suppose anyone who has travelled in a London cab before will know that the drivers aren't short of an opinion or two...

In this case, however, it was an almighty cock up. The intended interviewee was an expert named Guy Kewney. The bloke brought out on international TV? The cabbie who had come to pick him up after the interview whose name just so happens to also be Guy. Taxi for Auntie Beeb...

But at least the BBC are having a sense of humour about it - you can read the story on their own site, which will also let you watch the baffled driver gamely attempt to answer the questions posed to him...

Cheers m'dears!

Update: It appears that early reports that the Guy (ahem) was a cabbie were incorrect. He was, in fact, at the BBC for a job interview and had assumed that this was all part of the interview process, not realising he was live on air!