No still means no!

I just received a new response to my post on Male Rape, which (although I did not agree with everything) I found to hold interesting perspectives. I am reproducing it, and my response, below. As always, your feedback is warmly welcomed...


Posted by Clarice on Wednesday, October 04, 2006 10:29:44 PM

"Agree with all of this, but I think it's strange and rather telling that when this stuff happens to women, it is so prevalent as to be almost normative, and no-one hardly turns a hair. When it happens to one single man, suddenly it makes men think. Men don't seem to like it much when even one woman starts behaving as men have done with impunity since the year dot. I am reminded too of Myra Hindley in this respect.
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The fact that the gender of those involved is presented here as the "twist" in the tale, that the readers' expectations are so predictable as to be exploited to this effect makes me feel rather sad. Perhaps I don't get it. What is the "surprise" of the genders in this case supposed to tell us?
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Why should it be different (any more or less upsetting) depending on the gender of those involved?
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Well, I'll say one thing. He was less likely to get a disease, and completely unlikely to have to risk his life or reproductive fitness carrying or aborting a child as a result of the encounter. Also, because of the stereotypes in our culture, he didn't have to feel secretly that he was a slag - he may have felt like people would say he was asking for it, but a man who asks for sex does not carry the same stigma as a woman who does so. So there are similarities, but also differences I feel in the male-female experience.
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If people can realise that sexual stereotypes damage men as well as women, maybe things could change. It's just a depressing shame that the knowledge that they damage women is not a good enough motivator by itself. That by itself kind of tells me that they're here to stay."


Posted by Clarice on Wednesday, October 04, 2006 10:39:39 PM

"On reflection, I think the "twist" in this tale is supposed to tell us that the male concerned felt emasculated as well as everything else. He experienced something that as well as being upsetting and unpleasant, traditionally only happens to females. The extent to which this adds another layer of hurt to the experience kind of depends on his view of females, doesn't it?
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This state of affairs is a double-edged sword. If I am raped, at least that's par for the course of being female, looking at the stats. On the other hand, if I am made to have sex with someone I do not like or respect, or who does not appear to display very much humanity, you could say that's par for the course of being male, looking at the boom in the sex industry these days. These are muddy waters."


Reply by me on Thursday, October 05, 2006 9:32:21 AM

"Wow, Clarice... I never for one second intended it to be read that it is normal for a woman to be raped. It is a beastly, disgusting crime, and I for one turn more than one hair when I hear about it. Of course, you don't hear about it because it does happen so much, in the same way you don't hear about a car crash, but you do if it's a plane...
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As far as Myra Hindley goes... she is just another person in a list of killers, and to me her being a woman makes little difference... she's there alongside Fred West, Dr Shipman... and of course her own partner in crime, Brady.
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I acknowledge I somewhat exploit readers expectations with the 'twist', but only because I wanted people to view this as something wrong. If I started with "This is a tale of a man raped by a woman" there are many who would have refused to take it seriously. By presenting the seriousness (because everyone views the rape of a woman as serious) before the perhaps unusual feature it was intended to raise thought - which it succeeded in doing.
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You say why should it be different depending on gender? That is entirely the point of my post...
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I thoroughly disagree that he was less likely to get a disease - that comment suggests that only men can carry and transmit STD's - and although I agree that he was never going to get pregnant or have to have an abortion what if she had got pregnant? Possibly deliberately? And kept the child?
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Maybe you're right that he didn't need to feel like a slag, but just because he didn't NEED to doesn't mean he didn't... and the affects of rape are usually deemed to be more traumatic on a personal emotional level, rather than a physical one - who knows exactly how he felt? Remember, this guy had always been a bit of a nerd and had been picked on... who is to say that he didn't fear what others might say or do to him?
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It is depressing that knowledge of the way women are treated is not a motivator in itself, but don't kid yourself into thinking that the story in my post will suddenly change the perception. Saying "it happens to men too" only raises more questions, it doesn't provide any solutions. Mankind (and womankind) has a history of people hurting and abusing others - that isn't going to change any time soon.
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As for your second comment, I thoroughly disagree. I say that because I know the guy well. It's difficult to explain... I don't think he ever felt 'manly' enough to ever then be 'emasculated'. And as all his closest friends, both at school and since, have usually been female I don't think he ever viewed them in a macho bullshit way. But maybe it was that breach of trust that hurt the most?
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These are indeed muddy waters..."


Thanks, Clarice, for taking the time... and Cheers m'dears!

No means no.

Let me tell you a little story, one that is completely true, no matter how much you may scoff or sneer at it. It is the tale of a virginal student and an English teacher who found themselves in an illicit relationship, one which affected the student for many years...

With only two months to go before turning 19 this student was probably a little unusual in still being a virgin, although having always been a bit nerdy and mostly friendless it was probably not THAT much of a surprise. But despite being remembered (and still dismissed) by peers as the spotty swotty one this student's looks had improved a little with maturity and this particular English teacher noticed. The fact that the student was good at acting and the teacher was directing the school play brought them into closer contact with each other and eventually it became apparent that the student had a crush on the teacher...

At the cast party after the play, out at the teacher's house in the middle of the countryside, the situation developed and they kissed and 'fooled around' for a bit. And the teacher seemed to respect the fact that the student didn't want sex, wasn't ready for it... and so began the affair.

After a fortnight or so of clandestine meetings and journeys out to the lonely house (where the student would sometimes spend the night) the teacher's attitude changed slightly. The agenda became sex, although the issue was never forced... the teacher was just a little too persistent. Still the student resisted, naively believing that this was love and it could all wait... believing that the teacher had respect and would be patient for sex. Until one night the student awoke to find the teacher was just taking it anyway.

The student didn't know what to say or do, so just froze and allowed the teacher to finish. It was all so confusing... after all, this was love... wasn't it? And because the student still believed this the relationship continued for a few more days until it just got too much and the student jumped on a train and travelled to stay with family far away... the teacher quietly moved to another school and was subsequently sacked for trying to seduce 2 more students there whilst sharing a spliff with them.

13 years later and the student is now almost 32. Attitudes toward sex and male-female relationships have been coloured by this first experience, the professional diagnosis being 'a fear of sexual intimacy' which has played a large part in consigning a two-year marriage to the bin. It has also affected friendships, relationships with family, and generated a great deal of self-loathing that is only just now being dealt with through counselling sessions.

At face value it's a tragic case of a person abusing a position of trust and authority and raping an innocent - lock the bastard up! But then there's a twist in the tale, a piece of information that you might refuse to believe or accept. The student was male, the teacher female.

...!...

"A man cannot be raped by a woman!"

In general, I might agree. For the most part rape is performed by a physically stronger aggressor (or group), and for the most part men are still physically stronger than women. But then, not all women fight back, not all rapists need to be physically stronger - especially if they know the victim. A woman may simply lie there, and hope her attacker is quick so she can get away... or maybe, like the case above, the victim doesn't quite understand that what is happening to her is wrong, maybe because she deludes herself that she 'loves' this beast.

As for the physical - if a woman is enjoying a small degree of intimacy with a man she may become turned on. Being turned on does not neccesarily mean she wants sex. Just because her sexual organs have responded in the way they are supposed to and lubricated themselves does not mean that in her heart or her head she is ready... and if she vocalises that and says no? Well, no means no.

Likewise, even if a man is physically turned on and has an erection it does not neccesarily indicate that he agrees to participate in intercourse. If he vocalises that and says no - as the student above did MANY times? Three words. No means no.

No one is claiming that female-on-male rape is as widespread a cancer as the other way around. There are thousands of cases of men raping women every year, yet this is the only example I know of the reverse happening (other than cases involving much younger males which would be considered child abuse anyway). But I still find it absurd that because it is quite the exception it can be dismissed so easily (and it has been, affecting the guy even more). It doesn't matter who you are, what sex you are - no means no. And that counts for male-on-female, female-on-male, male-on-male or female-on-female.

This post has been inspired by FMC's recent post on the rapper DMX and the ensuing comments. Whilst I only know a little about DMX and personally find his story of being 'raped' by a woman a little suspect I did think it was worthwhile exploring a subject I know a little about...

Televisual Tossery

So what happened to the good old days of the BBC? Auntie Beeb, giving us slice by slice of glorious British life through those twin delights of Comedy and Drama... astounding us with documentaries explaining just how bizarre and un-British the rest of the world was... and, of course, informing us of how wonderful our country was and what rotten Johnny Foreigner was up to through its unrivalled news service. An era when programming started at 8.37am sharp and ended at bedtime, 6.02pm, with a pride-inducing blast of 'God Save The Queen' (followed by a rousing chorus of 'Knees Up Mother Brown' on every third Sunday). An innocent age when the licence fee cost thruppence and ha'penny and the Radio Times came with a digestive biscuit each week as a free gift... *Sigh*, the good old days...!

Of course that was all back in the days of my childhood when we only had BBCs 1 and 2 and their ruffian of a neighbour, ITV. Nowadays there is Satellite, Cable... you name it. And even those Neanderthal-minded technophobes who can still only receive terrestrial channels have had their quota upped with the emergence of Channels 4 and 5. All of which has sadly led to a demise in programming, leading us to be force-fed such travesties as Pop Idol and Big Brother whilst inanities like "Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps" are laughingly bestowed the rank of 'Comedy'. Even the Grand Old Soap Operas, once the bastion of British Televisual Entertainment, have had the credibility of their storylines stretched far too far by an insistence that they air 27 times a week.

Surely things can get no worse? Surely there is no more room for utter shite on television? I mean, surely the only way broadcasting could stoop any lower would be to show, oh... I don't know... a marathon masturbation session, for example - literally, a load of wank.

Oh no they wouldn't...!?

Oh yes they fucking would!

Channel 4 - the land that good taste ran like buggery from...

Cheers m'dears!

A Little Light Relief (and other not-so-tall tales)...

In Jamaica the argument over distribution of condoms in male prisons (fought between the pro-"protecting against STDs" group and the anti-"encouraging sexual activity" lobby) has finally been settled with the Government opting to allow inmates to kill each other off slowly and painfully by spreading AIDS. A poor-taste humourist might make a crack about lethal injection, but not I...

In India, however, they may want to consider banning lightbulbs rather than condoms as one inmate recently had to have one removed from his arse. Intact. Claiming to not know how it got up there (what the fuck?!) Fateh Mohammad had gone to the prison hospital with a pain in his lower abdomen. Upon its discovery (see x-ray, above) a delicate operation ensued to remove it without breaking the glass... perhaps unsurprisingly Mohammads doctor states that he has never encountered anything like this before...

In other news I am astounded to learn that research has unearthed the cause of Japans falling birth rate. Quite simply, people are not having sex. Yep, that'd do it. Various reasons are to blame (you know, the usual shit like long work hours), although maybe people are just finding each others footwear a turn-off... this is the country from which those evil flip-flops developed, after all. I have always said, right from my very first post, that those things should be destroyed - and now evidence is on my side that even if they don't play a part in Japans demographics they still fuck up your ankles (and your career).

...and I'm not even going to start about the Estonians. Bunch of fucking weirdos!

Cheers m'dears!

Random Tossery #01

Further to my much earlier post on suicide here is a classic example of how not to end it all. A headache you say? Hmmm, I wonder why...?

Cheers m'dears!

Putting the Sin in Singapore.

Have you ever been to Singapore? If you do make sure you take a taxi and ask the driver what the country is like. Chances are that he will sing the praises of the City and its people, and if you tell him you are going anywhere else (ie. Malaysia or Indonesia) his response will almost certainly be "Ohhh... don't talk to anyone there. It's not safe there! Not like Singapore. Singapore is safe. There's no crime in Singapore."

7 months ago in Singapore the body of a maid who had been killed by another was found dismembered and in several sports bags behind a train station. Earlier this year a guy was being tried for killing his wife with an axe. A few weeks back a very young girl went missing for a few days until it eventually transpired that her Step-Father had killed her. And this week we learn that a man who had taken several wives had also forced some of the teenage daughters they had borne him to have sex - often with the mothers assistance.

Details are sketchy, depending on the press you read (local papers cite 5 of the daughters were raped, this report mentions 6), but the solid fact remains that this man perverted the texts of his religion (Islam) to his own devices and utterly convinced his wives that what he was doing, and roping them into, was right in the eyes of God. Shit like this is utterly depressing and heart-breaking, and the scale of it and manner in which it the rapist collaborated with his victims own mothers is, frankly, mind-boggling.

But it's not the first time is it. Remember the Branch Davidians at Waco? David Koresh, their leader, utilised Christian texts to support his 'right' to sleep with the daughters of his parishoners. And many more down the ages have done the same - and many more will undoubtedly try. The thing is, how the fuck do we protect the weak and gullible from this kind of thing?

Just as a last note - in his defence the accused suggested that by having sex with his own daughters to "satisfy them" they would be less likely to look elsewhere for sex, which he viewed as the "lesser of two evils". Less likely to look elsewhere? I would not be surprised if the girls never look toward another man for any kind of relationship after the hell he put them through.

Cheers m'dears....

Dirty Habit...

Bizarre story of the month alert! No, not David Beckhams inability to do his 6 year old's homework (not really that surprising, let's be honest!) but the news that Paris Hilton has been approached to play the lead role in a new biographical film... about Mother Theresa!

Apparently South Indian film director T. Rajeevnath thinks she is perfect for the role and has already had his agents contact her people about playing the Albanian born "Angel of Calcutta". All because he was impressed with Hilton's moral fibre after she reportedly turned down the chance to pose nude for playboy...

...hasn't watched her most popular feature to date, "1 Night In Paris", then?

Cheers m'dears!

The price of 'success'...

"The Danish are better than us. They just published a cartoon while we Muslims kill each other."

Dismay rings in the words of Abu Rasoul as he stands beside his bomb-damaged mosque in Iraq. After the devastation of a particularly holy Shi'ite shrine in Samarra earlier this week revenge was swiftly meted out when more than 90 Sunni mosques were attacked. The death toll is already in treble figures.

So this is the brave new world that we imagined, is it? A scant few weeks after the 'success' of the elections Iraq seems on the verge of civil war, perhaps unsurprisingly considering the country has been pummeled into shape and manhandled by a Western 'Lord Protectorate' that knows too little about its diverse peoples - and cares about them even less. We didn't have a clue what we were getting into. The good amongst us may have been swayed by the black and white idea that a cruel dictator should be toppled. The less honourable were easily lured by the promise of black gold and lucrative re-building contracts. But regardless of motive the plan was never thought through, never tackled in a way that would provide genuine solutions for Iraq... not long term ones, for certain!

Of course there will be those who point at the Iraqi rock throwers with derision and disgust. "Look at those savages. It's a good job we're over there trying to keep control!". Those people will never see the whole forest whilst they pay so much attention to one tree, never understand the idea of cause and effect... that we are surely a large part to blame for the situation. I know that the Sunni / Shi'ite feuding goes back too far to remember, but we promised stability. We said to the people "Never fear - the West is here!". But how effective have we been? Well, I suppose that since Saddam is gone it's at least not so one-sided anymore...

Amidst the chaos and confusion sage words emerged from a most unusual source... "Violence will only contribute to what the terrorists sought to achieve" said a certain Mr George W. Bush. Wise words indeed... if only they'd come to you a few years earlier.

Cheers m'dears!

Sex and Sinless City

Okay, so I was reading the local propoganda broadsheet this morning when I came across an article on a sex-festival. "What the fuck?" I said out loud, to the obvious amusement of the schoolkids on the seat behind me on the bus (and to the glare of the old git opposite). Okay, so this city isn't really 'Sinless' - there is an entire shopping centre which becomes it's own red light district at night, for Christ's sake! - it just often feels like it's supposed to be. But for there to be a festival all about making beasts with two backs here, and during daylight hours... that, my friends, is not usual!

Of course, as I read further into the article the Sinless City I have come to know started to show. Unlike counterparts in other parts of the world this is not to be all about dildo's and sado-masochist toys (one display has been banned because the dildo's were "dangerously oversized" and "could cause injury to users"), but will also house stands for roughly 200 medical and lifestyle organisations (in most cases here 'lifestyle' means 'religious'). Okay, that is all good and I applaud the sensible and responsible nature of the organisers but the fact that there are only 12 booths displaying and selling the arguably more 'fun' aspects of sex kind of begs the question, are they really going to attract the 60,000 people they need to break even? Add to that the age limit being imposed: under 21 year olds can attend but only for the part where they talk about sex and social responsibility. Seems weird when they have to do National Service in their late teens and get trained to kill people. Hey, we trust you to use a gun but not your cocks..... But this was not what really got my goatee.........

The fact that this exhibition has anything to do with sex has already got folks wetting their pants in indignation. A spokesman for the police was quoted in the article saying that it "must not promote objectionable behaviours or lifestyles, such as sado-masochism, bestiality, homosexuality, paedophilia, and promiscuity". What an absolute fucking cunt. Look, I absolutley agree with the comment about paedophilia, and on bestaility - neither of which are usually about sex, more about power and the child / animal usually has fucking little option in the matter. They are bang out of order, 100%, but sado-masochism? Not my bag, but some people are into it and consent to it willingly. Promiscuity? If we're all fucking everyone else then who gives a shit, as long as we do it responsibly (and there are 200 organisations willing to help with that at the exhibition!!). And homosexuality? Well, that one really fucks me right off!

I am not gay, never have been, but have plenty of friends who are and the ones that are my age in particular usually have the most loving stable relationships out of anyone I know. An objectionable lifestyle? I'll concede that the police spokesman is entitled to his own opinion but I bet if I spent a few days with him I'd find a few things about his lifestyle that I also find objectionable. And to lump it in with paedophilia is complete fucking lunacy, ill-informed and frankly bigotted. It's attitudes like his that turned me right off religion as a teen. So thank you, Mister Police Spokesman.........


........I bet you are just sexually frustrated and could use a damn good buggering!

Oh, and incidentally, the toy in the picture is not mine. Ye gads, no!

Cheers m'dears!