100th Post!

Hurrah, huzzah and fa-la-lah!

Break out the Moet and Chandon! Lob a suckling pig on the barbie and garnish it with the finest caviar!

Blow up those novelty balloons, ring out those bells, look stupid in those party hats! Just be careful with the party poppers (you can have someones eye out with those, dontcha know!)

Get drunk, smoke skunk, jive to some funk, pogo to some punk - just don't hit the bunk! (Hey, I'm a better poet /rapper than I thunk!)

Come on my dahlins, lets have a mother-fucking orgy! It's not every day you hit your 100th post, after all!

And come on Queenie, pull your finger out! Where's my bloody telegram? I expect more professionalism from you, Liz! Fucking monarchy, it's gone to the dogs I tell ya!

Break out the instruments - come on Kim, let's see them fingers at work on the mandolin! I only met Daft Bugger recently but I'll see if I can get him to pop over to blow his own trumpet. And I bet Monstee plays the drums like a demon.... he does look like Animal's second cousin thrice removed.

And for fucks sakes, let's start using more than 3 words at a time in the comments again... We can surely string together more than that - What are we, professional football players?

So come on in, the doors are open, you're all welcome to help me celebrate!

(Except El B - he can fuck off, the idle cunt!)

Cheers m'dears!

Update! - I'm a lying cunt. This is actually only post #85. I was just feeling a little left out with first Kim and now Lindy... and, of course Monstee hitting his 1st anniversary. I would say I was impatient, but I just haven't got the time....

Update 2! - Note I have merged my blog-links, having taken the tiniest amount of flak for supporting an apparent two-tier system *sigh*. Eagle-eyed will notice that there are still two tiers... one for the living and one for that dead cunt El B (I'll shed no tier for him!). Also please note that I have finally gotten around to adding Sexy and Red to the links (I'm so remiss!) as well as welcoming new boys (and gals) Doctors McCrumble and Feelgood, Havoc Creator Kari, Trumpeteer Daft Bugger and 3 Word Diary. I also welcome back, after a slight absence, the Jocks of Jock. Do visit them...

Three Word Diary

You may note that my post immediately below (regarding Stanislaw Lem) is fairly... well, concise. It was inspired by a blog I recently discovered called 3 Word Diary, where every post is a title of 3 words with possibly one or two 3 word sentences expanding on the theme. I rather like it, in it's random obscurity, and I'm sure several of you will too.... But don't forget, should any of you feel inclined to comment on it - the golden rule is 3 words only!

Cheers m'dears!

Stanislaw Lem's dead...

... I liked him.

:-(

Oops, they did it again!

In my Churchill Statue post from a couple of weeks ago I asked for suggestions of what other unusual statues we might see... the last thing I expected was to find this sculpture so soon afterwards. With thanks to Clairwil for drawing my attention thither.

Cheers m'dears!

Tackling the Sauce of the Problem

It seems that the US is found of tackling its problems at the source. Too many drugs flooding in? Let's go to Cuba and nip it in the bud. Afghan-based terrorists? Take the war to them... and anyone else in the neighbourhood. Problem with drunks? Arrest them in the bars. That's right, not outside the bars but IN the bars. Well, in Texas at least...

Now before we carp on about the ridiculousness of such an idea I have to say I am reminded of my many years spent earning an extra few bob as a bar-steward. At that time there was actually a law in existence (and maybe there still is) whereby it was illegal to serve alcohol to someone who was under the influence of, erm, alcohol. Taken literally you could serve everyone one drink but then if they came back for more you would have to turn them away. Although I suppose a customer could always buy all the drinks he / she intended to consume at once, before a drop touched their lips...

I understand the basis behind laws like this. I know that alcohol can ignite terribly anti-social behaviour and something needs to be done to protect others from the fall-out. But these kind of fuzzy, not quite implementable laws usually end up having limited impact on their intended targets and more often than not catch out those who are undeserving. For example...

...Should I ever be in Texas you will probably find me, at some point, in a bar. And as I will more than likely be on holiday at the time I shall probably indulge in a few beers. And yes, I might even end up quite pissed. But I would never, under any circumstances, leave the bar and attempt to drive. Nor am I the kind to go around starting fights. Or for that matter be 'inappropriate' with women. But it's virtually guarranteed that as the happy, smiley and often obvious drunk that I am I would be among the first in the back of the police-wagon whilst Mr Broody in the corner who had been quietly nursing 3 bottles of cheap whiskey all evening innocently slips out the door and goes home to batter the fuck out of his wife.

Ah well, what can you do? I just hope that if they do bang me up they have enough kindness in their hearts to send me to a place like this.....

Cheers m'dears!

The Little Po(e)tty Mouth!

I know there are many poets amongst the blogging community and I have from time to time stumbled upon a blogger waxing lyrically about this, that and t'other. Even our resident good Doctor has been known to utter the occasional ode and Foot Eater was recently composing some short ditties based on the characters that hang around down this particular blog street. Truthfully I also write poetry, but it's stuff that you will never see because it is written for my eyes only... personal thoughts carefully wrought into emotive and ultimately therapeutic pieces of writing.

But today I found a new poet, one I heartily urge you to check out. I'm particularly fond of the absurdity that is the first poem listed, "Up My Arse", although further down there is a rather descriptive version of Jingle Bells that had re wrinkling my nose despite not actually being a party to the odours mentioned. So click here and enjoy...

Cheers m'dears!

What's in a name anyway?

I have been pissing around with anagrams today, and having deciphered potentials for the names of a handful of the sites I link to (I put them in their comments boxes, should you wish to check them out) I turned my attention to my own. So for today only my site has been re-named...

Welcome to...

Mr. Lover Roots Arse - Eroded My Vagina Fur !

Other suggestions are welcome...

Cheers m'dears!

***UPDATE*** Having posted a partcularly lewd and potentially offensive anagram on Lindy's site I appear to be no longer able to access it... oops! Hope she hasn't banned me...

Marital Law

Take a look at this marriage contract, drawn up by Travis Frey of Iowa (right)... and make sure you read all 4 pages - it's not all easily legible, but try!!

It really requires little comment from me...

Cheers m'dears!

The Patronising Saint

All over the world stories are told, tales are passed along. And none of them are true. Or at least, not a single story in this world is 100% true. Because truth, even at it's purest, is still a subjective thing... All over the world stories are told. This is but one of them...

A young boy from the part of the world we now call Wales is snatched by pirates and taken away for slave labour. On mainland Europe he is bought and sold until he ends up in the care of a Roman priest. Such is the kindness of this priest that the young boy himself adopts the religious life and also goes on to priesthood. This young boy, now a man, is given the Roman name Patricus Succatus.

Patricus never forgets his homeland and vows to return, spreading the good word throughout his land. He spends time in Cornwall, as well as Wales, before eventually being drawn to the heathen land across the water, the land where druids continue in their pagan practices, spiritual traditions and teachings based on peace and harmony with nature - the land we would know today as Ireland.

Ireland at this time is ruled by 4 kings (or Righ) who each control a quarter of the island and who are in turn ruled over by the High-King (Ard-Righ). But this monarchy was based on no simple line of succession, son inheriting the Kingdom regardless of suitability. Instead some ancient form of democratic process is in place - a limited democracy, yes, but not as arbitrary as other countries at the time. This process involves a new Ard-Righ being elected by the Righ and other nobles to ensure that Ireland always has a strong and benevolent ruler.

Patricus was a clever man. He was not unkind but he knew what he had to do 'in the name of God' and he used his cunning to bear influence on the Ard-Righ. At the same time the Ard-Righ was wise enough to realise that Patricus was no more than the first trickle of the Holy Roman Empire and denying him would only delay an inevitable tidal wave - one based on bloodshed. To avoid a war and possible conquest Patricus was welcomed and encouraged, although the Ard-Righ and the chief Druids sought ways of keeping their historic faiths intact. This they did by incorporating pagan rituals and symbols into the new Christian ones. The most obvious examples are that of the Celtic Crosses, the crucifix interwoven with a circle (an important symbol of life) and the image itself hewn out of stone instead of wood, resembling the monolithic standing stones that had been the focal points of religious ceremonies since long before any could remember.

Over time Patricus built his relations with the Ard-Righ whilst simultaneously building his congregations and implementing the Vatican's Holy law. As the years turned to decades and then to centuries the Druidical ways slowly died out, their devotees eventually becoming persecuted. Patricus was, in time, elevated to Sainthood and his name is now synonymous with the Ireland that he brought out of the 'dark' ages of communing with mother nature and into the enlightenment of Christendom. And we all know how good Christianity has been for the Emerald Isle...

Of course it would be far too naive and simplistic to lay the blame for modern religious strife at the door of one person from several hundred years in the past, especially as other political and racial forces have worked so hard to incite and maintain sectarianism within that beautiful country. But I always find it odd that on the 17th of March each year everyone likes to get pissed up to celebrate a Welshman who was, in some respects, Irelands first Jehovah's Witness...

Oh, and I hate the fact that it's hard to get a nicely poured pint of Guinness because of all the twats who are having their annual day off from lager... Anyway, if you're celebrating, or even just utilising the excuse for a piss-up, I hope yours is a good one!

Slàinte m'dears!

The Backward Aussie and the Heavenly Tap...

Twat of the month so far seems to be the Aussie guy who has been charged by police for "reversing further than necessary". Okay, that seems like an unusual crime and you may think that charging him is a little harsh... until you discover that his backward journey took him 40km along the Hume Highway (one of the busiest in the country), all because the reverse gear was apparently the only one on the car that actually worked. Silly sod...

But on to happier news... beer literally on tap! Huzzah! Lucky lady Ms Haldis Gundersen turned on her kitchen taps for the mundane task of washing some cutlery, but when the beautiful amber liquid gushed forth she "thought we were in heaven"... indeed! This was an especially happy occurence when you consider that she lives in Norway, one of the most expensive places for alcohol in the world (a 0.4 litre glass costs roughly five UK pounds). Unfortunately for her the free-flow didn't last for long... it was soon discovered that a worker in the bar two floors below had cocked up when connecting the barrel to the pipes. I'll bet the punters in his bar were none too happy with what they were being served!

Cheers m'dears!

Winnie the Loon

Tory MP and all-round pompous twat Nicholas Soames has been moaning about a new statue of his grandfather, Winston Churchill. "Absurd and pathetic" is how he describes the piece, which was commissioned by the mental health charity Rethink and depicts the wartime leader in a straitjacket. Churchill suffered from depression, an affliction that not so many years before his time may have consigned him to an asylum, and Rethink designed the statue to "portray a more positive image of mental illness".

Don't know about you but I think it's a bloody great idea! And I don't think we should stop there... what other icons can we use to similar effect, proving that a disability does not mean a complete lack of ability? Suggestions are welcome...

Cheers m'dears!

(No) Brains (and) Faggots

Less than a month ago the Italian PM Berlusconi welcomed Alessandra Mussolini (grand-daughter of THAT Mussolini) and her far-right party into his political coalition, a move which may have backfired after she set about proving that she inherited more than her grandfathers, ahem, good looks (see picture). Appearing on an Italian TV talk-show alongside fellow politician Vladimir Luxuria (who is, incidentally, also a drag-queen - you gotta love Italian politics!) Alessandra was asked about her fascist background to which she declared she was "proud of it". Luxuria (also aiming to become the first transgender MP in Europe) asked if that meant she wanted to lock up gays. Her reply...?

"Better to be a fascist than a faggot."

For the life of me I cannot think of a witty one-line response to that. It's just too fucking sad and pathetic for words. I don't know if Alessandra has spawned any offspring yet but if not I pray fervently that the Mussonlini line dies out with her.... stupid cow!

Cheers m'dears!

Absolutely Cream-Crackered!

It's been a fucking long day, so I'm just going to leave you with this....


It's from a new site called Married to the Sea by the same guy who does the Toothpaste For Dinner one I list in my sidebar. They tickle my fancy, anyway....

Cheers m'dears!

A Night At The Blog-scars

Gosh, I'm... well, speechless! This is so unexpected! Well first I need to thank the Academy of the Mischief of Magpies for this award, but also I'd like to thank the scriptwriters, those wonderful people who make the headlines every day. And my colleagues, all of whom deserve to be standing here now... they're too numerous to mention (but that list on the right is a good start). And of course, my mother who imbued me with a sense of what was right. And my father, because without him being a cunt I may not have truly understood the definition of wrong. And of course I must pay tribute to those illustrious names I was drawn against - Jez, I don't know you but I'm sure you're great... Arlington, it should be you up here! *sob* Oh, my! It is all too much *sob* I just feel so lucky to have *sniff* been given the opportunity. But whatever you do *gulp* please don't forget the real world out there *sob*... won't someone please think of the children...

(music rises in cue to get the fuck off the stage whilst some blonde with long legs and big tits forcefully grabs an arm and guides it to the stairs....)

Cheers m'dears!

ps - I love the fact that searching for a pic of an 'Oscar' got me that one... pure fucking class!

Mobile Wrongtone...

You may recall my post of a couple of days ago mentioning the political scrapes of Thai PM Thaksin Shinawatra. No? Okay then, in a nutshell it goes like this (deep breath) - scandal followed swiftly by resignation calls prompting the dissolving of Parliament and announcement of a snap election which is being boycotted by the two main opposition parties who know that despite his unpopularity Thaksin would probably still win. *phew*

I bring all this back to your attention because a related incident caused some embarrasment for a TV interviewer in Thailand this week... Imagine the scene - you are interviewing the deputy leader of Thaksin's Thai Rak Thai party, Sudarat Keyuraphan, when your phone goes off...

What? Well, yes, that is a little embarrassing, but not exactly mortifying is it. Unless your mobile ringtone happens to consist of a soundbite where media boss Sondhi Limthongkul is shouting "THAKSIN GET OUT!". Oops.

Apparently the deputy leader responded by icily offering to assist the owner in finding another ringtone.

In other news I note that Britain's own PM, Citizen Blair, fancies himself as a Trotsky-ite. Apparently it was a book on Trotsky that inspired him to enter politics and he feels that it left a deep impression on him. So deep, in fact, that it was completely hidden from view when he took over the Labour Party in 1994 and set about turning it into New Conservative. Erm, I mean New Labour. Maybe...

Cheers m'dears!

Video nasty

Imagine the scenario... you are the leader of a nation and have been told an ecological disaster is about to take place on your land. What would you do?

Okay, stop shouting. I know that isn't much to go on and you probably want to ask a dozen questions before making up your minds. That's as long as your name isn't George W. Bush, that is...

Newly released video footage shows the fuckwit himself in his final briefing on the incoming Hurricane Katrina during which he did not ask a single question. Not one. When faced with the hard reality that the storm could cause massive fatalities did he once utter, "How can we get them out?". No. Or even just "How can we prepare and warn these people enough to lessen the damage?". Did he fuck! I know that in a situation like this it must be hard, but come on... not even asking "What can we do?". Cunt.

Of course he then told State Officials that they were "fully prepared" for the event... Is that "Fully prepared and ready to mobilize in an instant in order to get down there and save peoples lives". Or was it more like "Fully prepared to lose a bunch of largely poor, mostly black folk who wouldn't vote for us if they bothered voting anyway". Well, lets face it - option two may be stretching it slightly but at least it is not as much of a fantasy as option one.

In the damning video Bush is warned by Max Mayfield, Director of the National Hurricane Centre in Miami, that the levees that hold back Lake Pontchartrain from New Orleans are unlikely to stand. On September the 1st Bush is quoted saying "I do not think anybody anticipated the breach of the levees". Cunting cunt!

Bush's popularity is apparently at an all-time low. Not that that's really much comfort to the many who lost their lives while he sat on his hands....

I'll say it one last time. Utter cunt.

Cheers m'dears!

Semi-Elect...

Further to yesterday I am going to expand on one of the three South East Asian political situations, in this case that of the looming Singapore General Election and the recent giveaway budget, which Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong is adamant is not intended to bribe voters.

The budget, PM Lee says, is not "merely for the purpose of distributing hong baos to get votes" (hong baos are those little red envelopes stuffed with cash and given out at Lunar New Year and other events). Instead the public windfall is in the hope "that the Government wins not just the next election, but also the mandate to govern over successive terms". Like they have done since, ohh... 1965.

Yes, that's right. After the Brits pulled out there was a short and ill-tempered dalliance as a state of Malaya (which is where modern Malaysia gets the SI in its name from) before the rogue island was booted out and forced to find its own feet through, err, a democratic process.

To understand a little more about Singapore elections you may want to wade through this document. But I don't blame you if you steer clear... it is not the easiest to understand. To summarise, the bottom line, the one apparent aim of the election, is to make sure that the Peoples Action Party (PAP) get re-elected. Which, it seems, is never a problem. "Why?" I hear you cry...

Maybe it's the blatant bias of the mainstream press who do not question the government. But then the same could be said in the US for Fox News. Maybe its the bizarre ruling that means that the district boundaries are reset before each election - effectively gerrymandering like the Brits did in Ireland years ago. Maybe its the fact that in 2 of the last 3 elections Parliament was dissolved, the boundaries set and the election held all within 20 days, giving the relatively small and poorly funded opposition party no time whatsoever to prepare.

Or maybe its the fact that Singaporeans don't really give a flying fuck. In the classic "I'm alright, Jack" mode that saw Thatcher get re-elected year after year by folk only concerned about their own pockets and not the country at large Singaporeans tend to stick with more of the same. Okay, so the previously mentioned press influence helps here - never has the term 'sheeple' seemed more appropriate - but by and large the average Joe just isn't interested in politics.

Let's try to be fair - in a lot of ways the PAP are beneficial to their country, a nation that has had a huge economic turnaround in its 40 independent years and has pushed headlong into the 'first world'. But why the pretence of being democratic? The aforementioned article describes Singapore as 'soft authoritarianism'. People I know who have lived there awhile describe it as a 'benevolent dictatorship'. But however you put it you can't tell me that the people, as apathetic as they are, actually have a choice. So maybe PM Lee is telling the truth after all... I mean, let's face it - you don't need to use the budget to bribe people to vote for you in an election you can't lose anyway, do you!

Oh, and one final note... the guy who guided Singapore from British rule through the Malayan debacle and into a prosperous independent, ahem, 'democracy' was the first Prime Minister, Lee Kuan Yew... pictured at the top with his son, current PM Lee Hsien Loong. Nepotism, the game the whole family can enjoy...

Cheers m'dears!

Tempus fugit an' all that!

I wanted to post today about Prime Minister Thaksin in Thailand and how protests against alleged dodgy dealings have forced him to dissolve parliament and call an election. Which his opponents are boycotting, probably because they know that despite his unpopularity he is still likely to win again!

I also wanted to post about President Arroyo in the Phillipines who has had to deal with an attempted coup this week, albeit a minor and easily diffused one. You see, she declared a state of National Emergency, which most of her populace felt was extreme for what was, in effect, a relatively low-key affair with no real basis! And her response to students who were going to strike a couple of days later in protest at her actions? She closed all education establishments... you can't strike from what isn't even open, can you!

And then I wanted to post about the upcoming Singapore General Election, or rather on PM Lee Hsien Loong's recent pre-election budget which has basically amounted to the current (and apparently eternal) government giving everyone in Singapore a share of a $2.6 billion windfall. Hmmm...

I wanted to... but I can't because I'm too fucking busy. You can probably all guess what I was going to rant about each of them anyway. So instead let me leave you with this 'tasteful' article. It's a week old but I only just came across it...

Cheers m'dears!